Rest in peace. I digress.
— One Ahead
"It's weird not spending so much time together," Claire said. "You've been busy lately."
"I know, right?"
We were in my workshop, going through the pile of marks to sort the who, what and whatever. Claire got sick of sorting, so she dumped everything on the floor.
"Why in the fuck did you just shove everything in here, Shay? It's a file cabinet. It's for filing."
"I don't know."
"And why's everything in baggies?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"It wasn't. Sorry."
"Fuck you. Pour me another drink. And one for you, too. C'mon. You're at least one behind!"
She was right though. She saw me plop two baggies with pictures and keys in the same drawer, but one was a mark and the other was a bagel. She said, "If you're gonna be doing this long term, you need a system." I cringed, so she offered to help.
I thought I had a system.
Each baggie had keys, with pictures of the mark's driver's license and his Bitcoin seed words. It made sense when we were getting started. I could remember who's who by looking at the pictures. But by this point we had... I don't know... sixty sets of keys? Maybe seventy? Had to be more since there were bagels too, and they were all dumped in one drawer. What a mess.
"And why didn't you keep a list, for future reference?" Claire asked. "What if you ever want to look up an old job? You should keep track of some details, like why a guy was targeted, what you got, and were there any issues."
"Jesus Christ, are you reading my mind? I was just looking at this one, thinking, 'Why wasn't he a mark?'"
"Show me the picture? ...Oh, that's Elliott. He was nice. A little sad though. I think he was going through a divorce or something. He didn't have any Bitcoin, but one of his students did."
"Oh, yeah..."
Then we both shouted, "LANCE!" and had a good laugh. What a tool that guy was. I overheard him talking to Claire about how to survive a financial apocalypse, like one was coming any day.
Then again, his day did come. She got him in the hot tub. I got his coins. And he got proven right, though not how he expected, when I wiped him the fuck out. 18.5 BTC. Oowee. He had an unequivocally unrelated heart attack shortly thereafter. I never told Claire. Rest in peace. I digress.
When we weren't fighting, Claire and I made a good team. By this point, we'd been together ten months, and they'd flown by so fast. Our original deal was to do this for a year, and it was almost up. I knew she wouldn't keep going, and she knew I wouldn't stop.
I already had Beanie as the new me, to search homes. Soon, I'd need a new Claire, to reel in marks.
Claire and I had different goals. Different intentions.
I was on a mission. She was just looking for a fresh start.
To be honest, I was still figuring out what my mission was.
Deep in the pit of my stomach, I've always had a feeling of doubt. Not self-doubt. More like an acknowledgement of the doubts of the world being thrown at me, from all sides. "Oh, she's a girl. Oh, she's poor. Oh, she's nothing." Oh, fuck that.
Wanting more wasn't about what I needed. It was about what I needed to prove, even if only for myself, to prove the world wrong, even if the world never knew.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Shay. What are you doing?"
"I'm filing Charlie."
"You're putting him in the Yes drawer. We agreed, Shay. He's a bagel. Sesame bagel."
"Gotcha. He's a no. What about Jayden?"
"Jay's a no. He's the bagel who sold a hundred Bitcoin back in 2013. He sold it to buy a truck, which he promptly wrecked."
"Oh, right. He's a whoa no."
"Do you have my number filed in here?"
"Of course not."
"Girl, you should have everything filed in here. It's like the seed phrase thing. Have a paper backup of everything, just in case. Get a nice leather address book. The kind that's a binder so you can add pages for other stuff too. Always paper. Never digital. Sound familiar?"
"Yeah, yeah. It sounds like something I'd say."
We really were good together. I was great at coming up with plans, but Claire was better at the details. Hell, she's the reason I started saving any of this stuff. I was going to toss it when a job was done. She told me to play the long game. She said, "If they don't realize how they got got, they'll start again. And they'll double-down on their online security without realizing that wasn't their mistake, so they'll be easy to get again." That was brilliant.
I already got one of these guys twice. Kendrick Holmes. I stole 4.3 BTC the first time, but he had money and I had a hunch, so I went back six months later to search his condo again. He didn't change the locks, but y'know what he did do? He bought a new computer. I bet he thought his old one got hacked. And I got a new set of seed words for a wallet worth 1.9 BTC.
"Gabe Fillmore?" Claire said with a grin, "Get in the bagel drawer."
"Bagel bagel bagel. God damn. Even his name sounds like a bagel."
"With cream cheese. He was cheesy as hell."
"Sleazy, too. How do parents not know? IF YOU NAME HIM LIKE A BAGEL, YOU'LL BE RAISING A BAGEL!!!"
"His name's not why he's a bagel, Shay."
"I know. But it didn't help."
Gabe had a gambling problem. He needed help. I know that's an odd thing for me to say, since I did try to rob him, but both things can be true, and also, fuck you. When he was on a 'date' with Claire, his credit card got declined. We should have bageled him then and there, but you never know, so we took a shot anyway.
"Shay, what the fuck!? Andre's in here? I thought he was just a test run, for me."
"C'mon, Claire. He was a test run for me, too."
"Oh."
Oh, come on! The same way some guys will try to fuck anything that moves, I'll try to rob any guy who doesn't. Surely Claire knows that by now.
"You hit his house didn't you."
"CLAIRE!!!"
There was an awkward silence before we both burst out laughing again, because of course I did.
"Did you find anything good?" she asked.
"You're drinkin' it!!!"
Actually, I got 3.1 BTC from Andre. The Scotch was Doug's. I know, snatching something from a mark's home goes against my Leave No Trace motto, but Doug was an exception.
"This isn't Andre's hooch," Claire said. "He'd drink trash. Fess up. Whose is it?"
"I stole it from another guy. He wasn't a mark or a bagel. He was something else, from before you and I met."
"You've been hanging on to this for a while then."
"More like, I needed the right time to let it go."
"And this is the right time, because...?"
"Well, one reason is, I'm gonna return the bottle, filled with something else."
"Please say dyed water."
"Dyed water."
"Good."
"And antifreeze."
"Shay, that's not okay. I mean, I know we're no saints, but that's..."
"What if he's really cold, Claire? You don't know!"
"SHAY!!!"
"Relax. I'm kidding. You know my sense of humor is dark."
"Sorry. It's just... That's the kinda thing you shouldn't even joke about."
"No worries."
"Okay."
"Hey, I need to use the bathroom. Be right back."
I also needed to rethink the antifreeze.
I also needed to hide the antifreeze.