Being yourself is easy.
Being a lie takes work.
— Daisy Fuckit
If Claire was going to be my partner, we needed to get to know each other, so I took her back to The Bitter End to talk over drinks.
We got a pitcher of dark beer and found a dark booth. Both darker than dark.
As soon as we sat down, she said, "So, what's your deal?"
"My deal?"
"Yeah. What's your story?"
"I grew up in a small town. I was poor. Even homeless for a while. I left when I turned 18. One day, I met a guy wearing a T-shirt that said 'Have Fun Staying Poor.' I decided to have fun making him poor. And that's how I got started. What about you? What's your deal?"
She said, "Me? Well... Parents died when I was little. I grew up in foster care. Aged out with nowhere to go when I hit 18. So, yeah, there was a guy. It was bad. He's in prison on a gun charge but I got a record too because he stashed it in my purse when the cops showed up. I fuckin' hate men."
I know it sounds cold, but that's why Amberclaire was perfect for this.
She needed it.
And I needed it to be done right.
I told her, "Let's settle on some basics before we get too deep into this."
"Basics, like what?"
"Like your name."
She'd been using Amber and Claire, interchangeably, and that had to stop.
"There's no more Amber," I said. "From here on out, you're Clarissa. Claire for short. Even when it's just you and me, you're Claire. It's easier to always get it right when you never get it wrong by using the old name."
"Okay."
"I'm Shayna. Who are you?"
"You just told me."
"Say it."
"I'm... I'm Claire."
"Who are you?!?"
"I'm Claire. Sorry."
"Don't be sorry. We're gonna work on it. You're a new you. I'm gonna ask you basic stuff, again and again, until it becomes second nature. We're gonna work on your backstory too. Where you're from and what you do, just so you know what to say when a guy asks."
"We're not telling anybody what we do, right?"
"I'm talking about your story. What you say if you're with somebody and they ask. You're Claire, but what kind of woman is Claire? The details sell it. Are you in real estate? No. It's gotta be something less specific. Catering? Are you an artist?"
"Nope."
"Oh! I know! This is great! You do urban outreach. You're an urban outreach... and assessment... analyst."
"What the fuck is THAT???"
"You help get working girls off the street."
"So, I'm you!?"
"You wish!" And wow. That was a kind thing to say, even if she didn't mean it. Totally caught me off guard.
"But, seriously," I said. "You're an urban outreach and assessment analyst. You don't do the outreach. You oversee the motherfuckers who do the whatever. I don't know! You're a social services taxpayer funded bullshit overseer."
"And what do you do?"
"I'm a fucking thief. Nobody meets me. That's why I got you."
Shit. Ouch. I didn't mean to say it like that.
"Okay," she said. "But Sebastian knows you. What does he think you do?"
"He thinks I pay in cash and tip well. He also thinks I'm Phoebe, remember? And he thinks you're Amber, so that's a lie to keep track of. It's gonna be one of many, but I picked you because you're smart. So, let's take it from the top. Ready?"
"Sure."
"Hi! I'm Shay. Who are you?"
"I'm... Claire."
"Nope. You're lyin'. If you hesitate to think about it, even just a little, a guy's gonna know something's up. You're Claire from Clermont."
"Where the hell is that?"
"It's over by Indy. Or pick another city if you want. Small towns are great. Places where nobody goes. Or pick a big city where nobody knows anybody. Somewhere far away. It's all lies, so have fun with it. Make up your own story."
Being yourself is easy. You know the answer to any question because it's about the life you lived. Being a lie takes work. You need a backstory, and you need to know it like the back of your hand. You need answers to questions before you know what the questions are.
Being Daisy Fultzer from Daytona fucking Beach taught me that. Daisy Falzner? Falkner? Fuckit.
Bro said, "Daytona? I grew up in Daytona! What part?" I said, "The part where you realize this is a scam. Goddamn. You just told me how to rob you, but you've got nothing worth taking." So that went well. I learned two valuable lessons though. Always have a backstory, and never meet the mark. That's why I needed a partner, which brings me back to the task at hand: De-Ambering Amberclaire.
"Let's do it again," I told her. "Ready?"
"Go."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Claire."
"Where ya from?"
"Clermont."
"And where's that?"
"I don't know! It's..."
Come on, girl.
"It's by Indy, in the burbs," I said. "Here's a trick. When you don't know something, give a vague answer, like this. 'It's nowhere. I mean, it's not, but it seems like it.' Learn to talk without saying anything. Let the mark be the one to give specifics. Keep him talking, because the more he talks, the more he'll think you're making a connection. That'll make it easier for you to reel him in."
"I get it," she said.
"We'll practice this. We'll turn it into a game where one of us asks a question, and the other answers with a huge word salad that says nothing. Ask me a question. I'll show you."
"Okay. Uhm... Where'd you go to school?"
"Me? Oh, God, everywhere. My mom wanted to homeschool me, so we did that, off and on, plus my dad was sort of in the military. Actually, he worked for the military. He was a contractor. Support. Logistics. That kind of stuff. So, we moved around a lot. I mean, not a lot, but more than most."
"Wow, really?"
"Fuck no. I'm just making shit up. Remember, to a mark, you're a date. When he asks a question you don't want to answer, hit him with a long train of words. Just ramble 'til his eyes glaze over and he forgets what he asked you."
"Really though, where'd you go to school?"
"Jefferson High. It's in Fort Wayne." Such an obvious lie. Every city has a Jefferson, or a Washington.
"New topic," I said. "We need to get you glasses."
"What? Why? My vision's fine."
"That's not the point. Claire wears glasses. Think of it like wearing a costume. It's as much about convincing you that you're her as it is about convincing anyone else. When you wear Claire's glasses, you'll become her. We're gonna get you some books too, so marks will think you're smart."
"Hang on. You're giving me homework?"
"The books are props. We need stuff in the house that makes it look like the kind of place Claire would live. So, we gotta figure out what Claire's interested in. But you have to learn about stuff too, for conversation. You need to make the mark think you're out of his league, so he'll try harder to reel you in. As he does, he'll give you more info. That's how you get 'em."
"Whatever. I get it."
"We'll get a bunch of smarty-pants movies too. We'll make it fun, okay?"
"Okay."
"Awesome. Let's try it again, from the top. Ready?"
"Ready."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Clarissa. Claire for short."
Out with the old. In with the new.
Fake it 'til you make it true.