I did a public service.
— The Wolf
Consensus 2022 was a crypto conference held in Austin, Texas, from June 9th to the 12th. It was a blockchain something emerging whatever event. Rich tech-bros, en masse, yakety-yack. I was there to smack 'em with my shady valet.
This time, I brought in a partner the new old fashioned way.
I found Nate C on Craigslist. Didn't get his last name. Didn't need it.
He thought the scam was to steal cars. Okay, I may have said the scam was to steal cars and offered him and his muster of skinny Nates as many as they wanted so long as I got what I needed, and I got to leave first. I may have also worn inauthentic military boots, a trench coat, a wig, and told him my name was Wolf. Okay, Wolfgang. But let's not obsess over unimportant details.
I arrived with everything we needed and I paid in cash. Nate did not care.
I got thirty-one sets of keys for local tech-bro homes. Nate set aside a Tesla Model S for himself, and his boys expected to do well too. I could tell they were proud.
I was in and out of there in less than three hours.
I would have stayed longer, but I had a police scanner. I bailed when I heard dispatch sending cops my way.
When I came back a month later, I hired lifters who found seed words for wallets worth a total of 28.09 BTC. Not too shabby.
Pro tip for anyone thinking about trying this:
First of all, don't. Stealing is bad. Giving is good. What the world needs now is love sweet love, and anything by The Lovin' Spoonful, I assume.
Second of all, don't. It's my shit. Come up with your own.
And, third, don't wear a trench coat in summer. In Texas. My God. I was sweating like a goose-stepper at a dance-off, which brings me to one other very tiny thing that is totally not a big deal, but I might as well mention it, just in case, because people can be so politically correct these days...
...Sigh.
I would be remiss if I did not note that Nate and his bald-headed slender stead were... yes, they were certainly skinny, but more to the point...
They were skinheads.
And affiliated.
Okay, fine. They were nazis.
They were Big N Nazis, in fact, as in, Those Aren't Pinwheel Tattoos. But they did a great job blitzkrieging through a swarm of BMWs as they rounded up keys and I got what I needed, so who am I to judge?
And let's be honest, at some point in our lives, who among us hasn't... I mean, really... in the end... both sides... and...
...oh fuck it.
They're horrible human beings and I'm pretty sure they all got arrested because I saw the cops closing in from both sides as I fled, which means I got four Nazis off the streets. So, in the end, in my own special way, I think it's fair to say, I did a public service.
You're welcome.
And hasta la vista, Führerschlussels.