Your words are your bonds.
— Customer Serpent
I knew it was a bad idea before I placed the call. It was such a bad idea that I bought a burner phone. Okay, I stole somebody's phone to use as a burner phone. I then spent a week desperately trying to talk myself out of placing the call.
Ring...
Couldn't do it.
Ring...
Even after dialing the number, I begged myself to hang up.
Ring...
Couldn't do it.
Ring...
A guy said, "Hello?"
"Is this Chad Sullivan?"
"Yeah, can I help you?"
I told him I was calling from Bitcoin customer service. "We've detected a problem with your wallet."
"There's no such thing as Bitcoin Customer Service. Who is this?"
I really thought he'd be dumb enough to fall for that lie. Not a problem. I always had a backup lie ready, and this was a good one.
I said, "Christ, Chad, that was a joke! How do you not remember me? We met at that place. We went back to your apartment and had sex! You're sayin' it meant nothing to you?"
"Olive? Olivia? I'm sorry!"
"Wow. You don't even remember my name."
"Ophelia! I remember you! You were amazing! We should hook up again sometime, girl."
"I don't think so. You're a terrible lay, but that's okay, because while you were asleep, I searched your place to find your seed words."
"You did not."
"Bro, your Beastie Boys posters aren't impressing anybody and your TV is mounted way too fucking high."
"You really searched my home?"
"I was gonna steal your Bitcoin. Yeah. But I wasn't able to, because some of your words are missing. Let me guess. When you set up your wallet, you wrote down your seed words, and like a total jackass, you split 'em up?"
"Holy shit. Yeah, I did."
"Well, I need the rest of your words. Don't make me send over somebody with a wrench."
"Why would you send a mechanic? That's not how Bitcoin works."
"Not a mechanic! A five dollar wrench! It's a thing. Look it up. My God! Doesn't anybody know their memes?"
"Yeah, well, the joke's on you. Those coins are gone. I lost that wallet years ago."
"Hold up. If you lost the coins, why'd you keep some of the words?"
"I dunno. Souvenir? I have most of 'em. Hey, if you can crack my wallet, I'll pay you! I swear to God, I'll give you half. It's worth a quarter-million dollars by now!"
"I'm not a hacker, and you're an idiot. If I could crack that thing, I'd take it all. How many of the words did you lose?"
"I only lost six!"
"Your words are your bonds, Chad!"
"That's not what that means!"
"Oh, fuck you!"
...click.
Goddamn. What's wrong with people? Why would anybody buy Bitcoin and not properly write down their seed words? That's the backup of the wallet!
Losing just four words means the wallet probably can't be recovered. Bro lost six? NASA couldn't crack that. Those coins are gone, forever.
Yo, pay attention, because this is important.
There's a reason the term Self Custody begins with the word Self.
You, yourself.
You've gotta secure your shit!
It's not hard. Write your words on paper. Make a metal backup in case the paper gets damaged. Hide that shit where a thief can't find it. And don't make yourself a mark by letting everybody know you own Bitcoin.
Also, don't split your words up. You'll lose part of 'em, which means you'll lose your coins if anything goes wrong, and you'll frustrate the hell out of a thief who tries to rob you, which wouldn't happen if you didn't make yourself a mark in the first place!
Aaaugh!!!
New rule: No interaction with the mark! Okay, that's an old rule and I violated it, which means my frustration was my own fucking fault.
Ring...
Ring...
"Hello?"
"Fuck you, Chad!!!"
...click.
Aaaugh!!!
I just needed to get that out of my system.