Aww yeah.
Ohhh! Nooo!
— A Pawn Drop
Our latest mark was a guy named Freddy Vazquez. He owned a pawn shop in Dolton called Fast Freddy's, and it had a Bitcoin logo in the window. That made Fred a pawn, so I sent in my queen.
"Go get him, Claire!"
And she did. A couple nights later, she got him in the hot tub. But it didn't go so well. Freddy got grabby, so he got taught the meaning of the word consent.
According to Claire, he slid his hand between her legs, so she slid her hand between his, and he said, "Aww yeah," until she squeezed. Then he said, "Ohhh! Nooo!"
She offered Mr. Vazquez an instant vazectomy. He declined and vamoosed. Bro left a trail of water through the house as he fled the hot tub, fetched his clothes, and got the fuck out.
"Problem solved," she said.
I wasn't okay with a mark treating her like that, so I took a trip to the hardware store the next day.
I was sitting on the couch when she got home from doing lunch with the next mark, and the look on my face must have told her something was up.
She said, "I see you're in a good mood."
"I am. It's my birthday."
"You were born on April 29th? What does that make you? A Taurus?"
"That's right, Claire. I'm a goddamn bull!"
"You're a bullshitter, that's for sure."
"Well, it's my birthday, but guess what? You're the one getting a present."
"Oh yeah?"
I tried to hide a grin as I handed her a small but surprisingly heavy gift-wrapped box.
As she opened it, I couldn't help giggling.
"Wait. What? Shay..."
"Yeah?"
"You got me a fuckin'..."
"Wrench."
"Why?"
"Keep it by the hot tub, for when you're with a mark. Just in case."
"In case I need to fix a leak with it?!?"
"In case you need to muhfuggin' slug him wid it. A wrench is versatile, yo. A wise man told me that."
"A wise man?"
"Okay, a violent man told me that."
"Why a wrench, though?"
"Tradition."
"I don't even want to know what that means."
"It's a five dollar wrench," I said. "Look, a hunk of metal is a hunk of metal, but a hammer would be too obvious. Maybe even cliché. A wrench is more discreet."
"Goddamn, girl."
"And God help any man that ends up on the wrong end of that wrench!"
I knew she didn't need it. Claire was skinny, but scrappy, and I'm pretty sure she could throw a punch that'd knock a guy's block off.
The wrench was symbolic. It was my way of saying, "Do whacha gotta do." If push came to shove, I had no doubt she could handle herself, but it never hurts to have a hunk of metal if you're the one dealin' the hurt.
The wrench had a loop on the end, to hang it on a hook, but she put it on her finger and twirled it.
She said, "You crack me up. First, you want me reading stuff to impress the marks, and then you're, like, 'Oh, and here's a weapon!' I could just slug the guy with my book of quotes, and shout, 'Men are what their mothers made them! WHAM!' That's a real quote, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Except for the wham."
The wrench was also meant to be funny, but she didn't get the reference, so I explained it.
"It's a meme, Claire. In Bitcoin, Five Dollar Wrench is the term for beating somebody senseless with a cheap blunt object 'til they give ya their coins. And y'know what? It works. But it's ugly, and it comes with too much risk. Our way is smarter."
When I get somebody's coins, he has no idea how it happened, because he doesn't know I exist. He thinks he got hacked online. And if he sees Claire around town, she can wave and smile, 'cause she's just a girl he went on a date with a while ago.
Look, I know this makes you cringe, but let's be honest. There are three reasons why my way works, and for your convenience, I'll list them.
One: Marks make themselves known. That's how I spot 'em.
Two: They don't secure their seed words. That's why I can find 'em.
Three: Even if you tell Bitcoiners how they put themselves at risk, they'll say you're wrong and double-down on doing it wrong.
So here's some advice, courtesy of a courteous thief:
Don't tell people you own Bitcoin.
Store your seed words somewhere safe. Keep 'em off your computer or phone, so hackers can't get 'em. And keep 'em somewhere secure, so a thief can't find 'em.
Do that, or be prepared for the consequences. And as the Five Dollar Wrench meme suggests, the consequences can be a lot worse than some chick showing up with a Polaroid camera.
I'm just sayin'.
Editor's Note:
The term "$5 wrench" originates from xkcd comic #538, titled Security, by Randall Munroe. In the comic, it refers to the use of physical coercion rather than sophisticated hacking to obtain someone's password.
xkcd.com/538
Within the cryptocurrency community, the term has been adopted more broadly, referring to the use of physical force to steal a target's coins.