Live Free Or Die
— New Hampshire Motto
"Hey, Claire! Surprised to see you! You never visited me in here before."
"Hh... ah, oops. Hang on, Shay. Okay, that's better. I hate this plexiglass prison-phone butterscotch. Friggin' cord's twisted. I got it now. So, hey! Hi!"
"Yeah, hi!!! It's good to see you!"
"It's good to see you too, Shay. It's time."
"Oh, I know all about time. I've been doing two fucking years on a gun charge."
"It would've been a lot longer if they didn't let you plead down."
"The gun was self defense."
"Shay. We've talked about this."
"It was his!"
"If he came out of that coma, you'd be doing hard time, girl. Like, decades."
"HE drugged the cops, Claire. Not me. He made them coffee. I hear there was somethin' in it."
"Shay."
"Who the fuck makes coffee after being held at gunpoint? I couldn't'a planned that."
"Giiiiiiiiiirl."
"Woulda if I coulda, but I didn't. Four cops down. His fault. He's dead too, but I got two years on a gun charge because it was premeditated? I shoulda got a goddamn medal."
"Oof."
"Yeah, well. It's almost over. I'm gettin' out tomorrow."
"That's right. It's almost over. Time for a new chapter, y'know?"
"Hell yeah. I never told you this, Claire, but I'm so glad you started takin' my calls. Talkin' with you kept me sane while I was in here."
"You told me. But those Sunday calls were good for me, too."
"You missed me, didn'cha? Well, I've got news for ya. I'm gonna get things goin' again once I'm out. You should join me. It'll be like old times."
"I'm ready to go."
"Yeah?"
"And you're almost gone."
"Aww yeah!!!"
"I still have the New Hampshire quarter you gave me. Live Free Or Die."
"Live free or die, Claire. Fuck yeah. Glad I'm gettin' out tomorrow. Live free!"
"Or the other thing."
"What?"
"We'll get to it."
"Can't wait!"
"I can't either."
"Yeah?"
"Oh yeah. Do you remember when we were just getting started, Shay?"
"You feelin' nostalgic?"
"Kinda. Remember when you told me to get used to my name? And figure out who she is? You said to find Clarity. Well, it took a while, but I sure did. She's a writer."
"Okay, well, good, right?"
"Right. That's why I'm here. I come bearing presents."
"Yeah?"
"You bet! I've got two presents and a joke. The joke is epic. It's not a Haha joke though. It's more like a Whoa-Hoa, but I swear to God, it's magical. I'll show you the presents first. The guards'll give 'em to you, right?"
"After they check 'em, yeah. But you didn't have to get me anything, Claire."
"Oh, but I did. Really, I did. I got ya... Maxi-Pads."
"You got me Maxi-Pads?"
"And a book."
"A book? I mean, thanks, but you're the reader. Not me."
"You'll read this one, Shay."
"Yeah?"
"Oh yeah. It's a novel. It opens with a great quote about how... if you're gonna be a carnivore, never forget the world is a carnival and you're made of meat."
"I think you said something like that once."
"Maybe I did."
"It sure sounds like you."
"Anyway... the title of the novel is Five Dollar Wrench. I got three copies and I'm giving one to you."
"Five Dollar Wrench? Holy shit. Remember what that used to mean? Hahaha!"
"That's what it still means."
"What do you mean?"
"That's what the story's about. Thievin'. Wrenchin'. Droppin'. And worse. And the best part is, you're in it."
"I'm in it?"
"You wrote it."
"The fuck does that mean?"
"The novel's published under a pen name. An alias. I know you know it."
"What's the name?"
"H. E. Tobe."
"Who the hell is H. E. Tobe? ...Wait... TOBE?"
"Hellen Eleanor Tobe. I got it from your old fake ID."
"You didn't! What the hell?"
"It's the confession of a thief who recruits a prostitute to pull off the ultimate magic trick. And the story is told by the thief."
"You wrote a book?"
"Everybody thinks you wrote a book."
"What the fuck. That was reckless, using my alias. It's a good thing Foke doesn't know I was Hellen."
"All of your aliases are in the book. Shayna Dempsey, Phoebe Delgado, Hellen... Hose."
"HOSE?"
"Nono knows Hose got his brother Jojo killed."
"YOU FUCKING TOLD HIM?!?"
"He thinks you told everyone, when you wrote the story. I gave him the book with sticky notes to mark a few things, like the part about his brother."
"You gave Nono...? If you wrote... If he thinks I wrote..."
"Foke's dead. Beanie's dead. Deader than dead. Foke's last words were 'No! NO!' I bet Beanie's were too."
"Beanie???"
"She was the new you, and Nono's cleaning house. He's furious. Blood's flowin' from meat mowin'."
"Oh, Beanie. Wait. So, how are you... not..."
"Dead? Deader than dead? How am I not so very dead, as in, 'No! NO!' then thud, splatter, smoosh, and a stain, deep in a hardwood floor, that'll need a big-ass rug to cover up? Kinda like the one in your house? Is that what you're asking?"
"...Claire?"
"I gave Nono the book, because he deserved to know the truth about how his brother died. And he thanked me. Actually, he said, 'STAY.' And he left. Then I heard some truly gruesome things coming from another room at the Boxtan Inn, before he returned and said, 'GOOD.' So that went well. And, hey, your prison sentence ends tomorrow. It's over. Guess what happens."
"...Claire???"
"No, no. Guess again."
"CLAIRE!!!!!!???"
"How long do you think Steve was out of the hospital, before he got Steved? I know you remember what happened to him."
"How? How? HOW??? How could you know about Steve???"
"Shay, why do you think I took your calls? You love to brag, and I needed details for the book. It was easy enough to pair up your stories with the baggies in your file cabinet. You kept names and notes for everything."
"You told me to keep that stuff!!!"
"I did."
"And fucking you broke into it?!?"
"Break in? No way. Cliché. I did the Bitch Boomerang. Remember when I borrowed your car for a pizza run? Girl, you handed me the keys to everything. I did the boo that you do. I made copies. That's how it's done."
"The Bitch Boomerang. Fuck you, Claire! You never could think for yourself!!!"
"I wrote a pretty good book. Well, everybody thinks you wrote a pretty good book. I'd say that took a lot of thought. I play the long game, Shay. Don't act like I never told you."
"So you wrote a bunch of shiiit, pretending to be me? And in this thing, you're what. The hero???"
"There's no hero in this story. It's just villains and victims."
"Fuck you!!!"
"All I ever asked you to do was keep your word, but I copied your keys in case you didn't. And you didn't."
"I never lied to you!"
"Shayna. Remember the night we met? You said, 'One year or one million dollars, whichever comes first.'"
"I LET YOU GO AFTER A YEAR!!!"
"I wasn't yours to let go, and you had at least three million. We were supposed to split it. You only gave me a hundred grand. It's in the book."
"IT WAS MY IDEA!!! AND, And, and..."
"And?"
"And it's not like you didn't go along with it!"
"I don't deny what I did. I'm not innocent."
"That's right! You're NOT."
"But you didn't keep your word."
"Fuuuck you, Claire."
"My name's not Claire."
"I know that."
"Do you?"
"I'm the one who found you. Of course I know your name."
"Say it."
"Amber."
"Giiiiirl."
"That's your name!"
"That was my street name."
"Oh. Right."
"Aha."
"You never told me your real name."
"Dandy, you never asked."
"What's that supposed to be? A flex? To prove you know my real name?"
"I know who you are. And I know what you are. You're a monster. It's in the book. You should read it."
"Go to hell."
"I'm not going anywhere, Hellen. Not yet. There's one more thing. I said I've got a joke."
"I don't wanna hear it."
"It's really good."
"I told you I don't wanna hear it."
"I think you do."
"WHAT."
"A thief and a prostitute walk into a bar."
"That's supposed to be funny?"
"That's not the joke."
"Then what's the goddamn joke?"
"You thought the thief was you. Dandy, you were the whale. A year after you ripped me off, I wiped you out. That's why I was screening my calls. By the time you got back from California, I was in Hawaii. Your Bitcoin was gone, and you were too busy spiraling to notice."
"CLAIRE!?!?!"
"I got your bank accounts too, with a little help from Paula at the BMV. Grandma switched the Shayna Dempsey identity over to me, so I got everything. Hell, I sold the house over a year ago."
"WHY?!?!?"
"You can't be serious."
"I WANNA KNOW WHY!!!"
"How do you not know?"
"WHY!!!!?"
"Shay, you robbed the mark I said was off limits because he was a good guy. You broke our deal when our year was over. Then you killed a bunch of people in L.A. and left a voicemail to say I was next.
"That was a joke!"
"That sealed your fate. Look, this was gonna end bad for one of us, but it was over for you from the start."
"How?!"
"The night we met, you said you're the magic, I'm the trick. It was a shitty thing to say, but guess what? You were right."
"I know I was!"
"Yeah, you were. You're the magic, but I'm the trick that tricked the magic. And you don't even know who I am. That, right there? That's the ultimate magic trick."
"YOU?!?!?!?"
"Dandy. You got Shayed."
"I AM SHAY!!!!!"
"You're nothing. Nono's coming. By this time tomorrow, you'll be faceless, nameless, leftovers of a nothing. In the meantime, you've got a book to read, and I've got a plane to catch, so this is the part where I vanish."
"CLAIRE!!!!!!!"
"I'm a ghost."
"AMBER?!?!?!"
"That's how it's done."