Pinwheel tattoos.
— Guuurl
Consensus 2022 was a crypto conference held in Austin, Texas, from June 9th to the 12th. It was a blockchain something emerging whatever event. Rich tech-bros, en masse, yakety yack. I was there to smack 'em using the same valet parking scam I ran in Florida, where marks unknowingly hand over the keys to their homes so I can make copies.
This time, I brought in a partner the new old fashioned way.
I found Nate C, on Craigslist. Didn't get his last name. Didn't need it.
He thought the scam was to steal cars. OK, I may have said the scam was to steal cars and offered him and his muster of skinny Nates as many as they wanted so long as I got what needed, and I got to leave first. I may have also worn inauthentic military boots, a trench coat, a wig, and told him my name was Wolf Blitzer. OK, Wolfgang. But let's not obsess over unimportant details.
I arrived with everything we needed and I paid in cash. Nate did not care.
I made copies of 18 sets of keys for local tech-bro homes. Nate set aside a Tesla Model S for himself, and his boys expected to do well too. I could tell they were proud.
I was in and out of there in less than two hours.
I would have stayed longer, but I had a police scanner. When I heard the dispatch sending cops my way? Buh bye.
Pro tip for anyone thinking about trying this:
First of all, don't. Stealing is bad. Giving is good. What the world needs now is love sweet love, and anything by The Lovin' Spoonful, I assume.
Second of all, don't. It's my fucking scheme. Come up with your own shit.
And, third, don't wear a trench coat in summer. In Texas. My God. I was sweating like a goose-stepper at a dance-off, which brings me to one other very tiny thing that is totally not a big deal, but I should probably mention it just in case, because people can be so politically correct these days...
...Sigh.
I would be remiss if I did not note that Nate and his skinny stead were, yes, skinny. They certainly were, but more to the point...
They were skinheads. OK, they were nazis, as in, Those Weren't Pinwheel Tattoos. They were Big N Nazis, but they did a great job blitzkrieging through a swarm of BMWs as they rounded up keys and I got what I needed, so who am I to judge?
And let's be honest, at some point in our lives, who among us hasn't... because really... in the end... both sides... and...
...oh fuck it.
They're horrible human beings and I'm pretty sure they all got arrested because I saw the cops closing in from both sides as I fled, which means I got four Nazis off the streets. You're welcome. So, can't it be argued I did a public service?
Hasta la vista, Führerschlussels.
Editor's Note:
Here's the real tip for anyone thinking about trying this: Don't. None of it.