What kind of pie?
— Brian
On nights when Claire and I weren't soaking marks, I was either scoping out their homes, trying to figure out when nobody would be there, or I was inside of 'em, searching for their Bitcoin seed words.
Because I had a copy of the keys to their homes, I wasn't breaking in. So I didn't dress like a thief. Y'know. Black hoodie, black pants, black shoes. No way. Cliche.
Instead, I bought a clipboard, clunky boots, a dark blue hardhat, and an ugly vest. If anybody saw me and asked what I was doing, I'd whip out an atrocious New Jersey accent and say, "Ey! I'm doin' a jahb heeyah!"
As I tromped along in awkward but surprisingly quiet boots, I remembered I was in GFI. Gary Fucking Indiana. I could walk through town with a feather duster, a feather boa, and a boa constrictor without anyone giving a fuck. Unless I was inside a mark's home, the most common question I'd get was, "Got any weed?"
Outside, was easy.
Find the home. Figure out when nobody would be there. That wasn't hard since people post so much of their lives online. He's gonna be at a concert Tuesday night? Guess where I'll be.
Inside wasn't so easy.
Once, when I was in a mark's home searching for his Bitcoin seed words, his girlfriend showed up.
She said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
I held up my clipboard and said, "Whadayoo TINK I'm doin' heyah? I got clunky boots, a hardhat an' a ugly vest. I'm doin' a jahb heeyah! Tank gaaahd ya HOME!"
She said, "Oh," and somehow, it was fine.
I told her not to use any reverse-polarized electronics for at least half an hour, though an hour would be better, just to be safe. "Cuz yoo nevah know."
And I left.
I went back the next night and found his Bitcoin seed words hidden on a sticky note under the top of his desk.
And also, huh. Was she really was his girlfriend? Maybe she was also just doin' a jahb dayah.
I experienced another mishap when a mark had a home alarm system. I opened the door and the thing started screaming.
WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!
I immediately left and hid behind a bush, waiting to see what would happen. A man came from the house next door, to turn it off. Then he left, so I went back. It seemed like the logical thing to do.
WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!
I immediately left and hid behind a bush, waiting to see what would happen. A man came from the house next door, to turn it off. Then he left, so I went back. It seemed like the logical thing to do.
WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!
I immediately left and hid behind a bush, waiting to see what would happen. A man came from the house next door, and loudly cursed as he ripped a piece of electronics off the wall and flung it into the yard. Then he left, so I went back.
Clearly, it was the logical thing to do.
No woopwoopwoop meant the alarm had been permanently disabled. The debris in the yard agreed.
I found his Bitcoin seed words on a sticky note, under his mousepad.
So many Bitcoiners use sticky notes. It cracks me up.
One time, I let myself into a mark's house while it was being robbed. Some bro wearing a black hoodie and a ski mask was holding a trash bag while standing in the living room.
I said, "Are you, perchance, a thief? 'Cause I am too, and I guarantee we're looking for different stuff, so... Carry on. The valuables are yours, anything on paper is mine. Deal?"
He didn't know how to react, so he said his name was Brandon. Or was it Brendan? Or Brian? And why the fuck would he tell me that? It was cool though. We played Da Funk by Daft Punk on the stereo while he tossed the place. And I found all kinds of goodies in the kitchen. The mark's seed words were taped to the bottom of a jar of what was probably not powdered sugar, and the fridge had pie.
I was, like, "Yo, Bri! Take off the mask. We got pie!"
So we had pie.
Oh! That's right! Bri! His name was Brian.
Over text messages with Claire, anything from the bakery was code for a bust. But when you're inside a mark's home with another burglar who's confused as hell and does not trust you, it's great how pie and Da Funk can bring people together.
Daft Punk is a musical genius and Brian was an idiot.
Another time, I went into a mark's condo, expecting it to be empty, only to find a woman curled up on the couch. She said, "Can I help you?" I showed her my clipboard and said I was from management. "Is your AC working? We've been getting reports that some residents are having problems." It was the middle of winter. I went back a week later to get the job done.
And, there was the time I was searching for Bitcoin seed words that belonged to a guy named Gary.
Things got hairy when Gary from Gary showed up.
"Well, shit."
I'd already found an index card with his Bitcoin seed words and snapped a picture. The card was well hidden in a desk drawer with a masking tape label that said, "Shhhhh." Extremely covert. Kudos to Gary for a job well done.
The desk drawer was locked, but I had a copy of the key. "Shhhhh!"
I shhhhhould have left, but the man's keychain had eighteen keys. I needed to know why he had so many, so...
I searched the house.
It seemed like the logical SHUT UP. I KNOW. I know. I made a mistake, ok?
I was in the basement when Gary came home. And then his mom arrived. And then his sister. And his aunts and his uncles and his parents' friends and coworkers and... "Oh my God, they're having an intervention."
Dad had a problem.
Worst. Surprise. Party. Ever?
Then again, I could have topped dad's surprise by jumping out of the closet, yelling "Surprise! Your son's got a problem too. He's getting robbed."
I opted not to.
Instead, I waited it out, and I learned way too much about how their dad became a doomsday prepper. Apparently, everybody was fine with it until he started digging up the back yard, in an attempt to build an underground bunker. And while I understood their concern, dad wasn't entirely wrong. Bad stuff happens. Take, for example, the fact that a thief was spending that very same night, in their home, in the basement, hiding in a closet.
I'm just putting it in perspective.
That's the thing, though. Technically speaking, I wasn't in their homes to rob any of them. In each case, I was only there to take a picture of their Bitcoin seed words, in order to afford myself the opportunity to rob them some other time, at some other place, at my convenience.
In essence, it is fair to say, I was simply doin' a jahb dayah.