Okra.
— Furrged
It was late. Claire and I were hanging out in the living room. We both felt good about our test run with Andre. Our evening with Dave went even better, but I'd discovered a problem, and it should have been obvious.
I found a solution though, and I needed to talk it through with Claire.
"We've got a new rule," I said. "For any text messages about a job, we only communicate in code."
"In code?"
"Yeah. Code. We need a way to talk over texts that only we know. Let's say you're with a mark and you want to give me a status update. What would you say?"
"I'm not stupid, Shay. I'd be vague."
"I've got a better idea."
My ex, Larry, liked wordplay. And candy. Goobers meant good. Butterscotch meant bullshit. Nerds were because he was a nerd, but I gotta give credit where credit is due. That nerd gave me a Goober idea.
"From now on, Claire, here's part of your backstory. Y'know, random stuff you can tell a mark. You can say, you and your sister meet up for grocery runs because it's boring to shop alone."
"Why the hell would I talk about that?"
"We're gonna use groceries as code words during a job, for text messages. Here's how it works. Anything in the produce section is positive. Anything from the bakery means it's a bust. Anything from the girlie aisle is a code red. Got it? Grapes are Great. Bagels are Bad. Tampons mean There's a Problem. Oh, and alcohol means All Cool, as in, we're done for the day."
"You gotta be fucking kidding me."
"It's simple. Produce, Bakery, Aisle 12. And alcohol for the all cool."
"I love symbolism, Shay, but this is nuts."
"Nuts are in the produce aisle, right? That's good!"
"Oh, God."
"Just do it."
The next day, it was time to put the new system to work. We were having lunch at a pub when I spotted a mark. His phone was in an orange case with a big logo on the back that said HODL. That's Bitcoin slang. In theory, it means "Hold On for Dear Life." In reality, it means he's holding, not selling. And since I was stealing, HODL meant hooray!
I spotted his phone. Claire twirled her hair. He smiled. That's really all it takes.
I left to run some errands while she reeled him in. She said she'd text me status updates.
Perfect!
An hour later, I got a text that said:
"Probably going for groceries after. Dates. Bananas. Oranges. Maybe grapes."
I assumed that meant he asked her on a date, he was kind of bonkers, probably a right wing whack job, but he might be a great mark.
All produce. All good.
The system worked.
An hour later, the next text arrived.
"Maybe groceries tomorrow instead. Going out! Brewpub!"
Hey! Alcohol was the all cool, so Brewpub was Claire's way of saying we were done for the day. I didn't expect her to get him in the hot tub on the first try. This also meant we wouldn't be doing a key-copy switcheroo, as she called it.
My basement workshop was still pretty bare bones, so I decided to go shopping.
I needed a lamp. A file cabinet with a lock. A typewriter. Paper. Manila envelopes. Pens. Big fat markers. And baggies, though I didn't know why. Let's be honest. I was making it up as I went along.
I was at a used furniture store in Highland when the next text came in.
"Okra"
That was... odd.
But okra is produce, and produce meant positive.
We were still new as a team, so I figured this was just her way of poking me, as if to say, "I think the new system is stupid, but I'll play along."
Fine.
I kept shopping.
I found a moderately functional typewriter and a funky old gooseneck lamp. It was adjustable, and I chose to ignore things that word might remind me o...
"Endive"
...Oh, girl. What the fuck.
"Shallots"
More items from the produce department. She was messing with me. Whatever.
Back to my shopping list.
Paper? Check. Envelopes? Check. Markers? Check. Baggies? I still didn't know why, but ch...
"Applesauce"
...I hated this system. Motherfucking Butterscotch.
"Homemade applesauce!"
I found a cheap file cabinet at a hardware store. I was halfway home when I got the next text.
"Homemade Tomato Sauce! Raisin Bread. Raisin Fudgy Bread!"
I was bewildered. Did she need me to do something? We didn't exactly clarify that part of the system.
Produce was good. Bakery's a bust. The girlie aisle was a code red, but she hadn't texted anything from there, so I let it go.
I managed to lug the file cabinet into the house and get it down to the basement, which turned out to be a spectacularly bad idea.
Crash! Boom! Bang! It went down the stairs without me as more texts scrolled in from Claire.
"Furrge"
Furrge?!?
"FUDGE!"
"COOKIES!"
"CAB!"
"MAXI PADS!"
I had no idea what she was trying to say. Cab, as in cabernet? That's alcohol, which meant all cool, but she'd already given the all cool hours ago. Is fudge in the bakery? I didn't think so, but cookies are, right?
And... She'd... Reached... Aisle... 12.
As I stared at my phone, trying to figure out what to do, a taxi pulled in the driveway. Claire flopped out of it, planting herself face down on the ground.
"Ohhhrrr gaaahd, ohgod. I just blew my fucking cookies in the cab. Goddamn dive bars. I HATE SHOTS! Uuuuhhhrrrgaaahhhd."
I learned three things that day.
First:
My new file cabinet was resilient. It bounced down an entire flight of stairs and took it like a trooper. A little worse for the wear, sure, but who isn't?
Second:
As for the Claire-Code translations?
Okra meant Oh Crap.
Shallots meant Shots.
Applesauce meant Almost Sauced.
And this?
"Homemade Tomato Sauce! Raisin Bread! Raisin Fudgy Bread! Maxi Pads!"
That meant: "Oh my. Totally sauced. Really bad. Really fucking bad."
Okay, in hindsight, I sort-of get it, but... Come on, Claire!
Maxi-Pads meant it was a maximum problem, though the cab driver's rage made that part clear. Sorry bro.
This brings me to the Third Thing I learned that day...
...sigh:
The system needed work.
So far?
Nothin' but Butterscotch.
Editor's Note:
The term "HODL" originates from a December 2013 post on the Bitcointalk forum by a user named GameKyuubi. The title of the post was "I AM HODLING." Here is an excerpt, quoted verbatim:
"GF's out at a lesbian bar, BTC crashing WHY AM I HOLDING? I'LL TELL YOU WHY. It's because I'm a bad trader and I KNOW I'M A BAD TRADER. Yeah you good traders can spot the highs and the lows pit pat piffy wing wong wang just like that and make a millino bucks sure no problem bro."
Today, HODL is widely recognized crypto slang and has evolved into the investment philosophy of holding assets long-term despite market volatility.