What kind of pie?
— Brian
On nights when Claire and I weren't soaking marks, I was working on getting their Bitcoin seed words. That meant searching their homes.
Because I'd copied the keys to their homes, I didn't have to break in. Thus, I didn't dress like a thief. Y'know. Black hoodie, black pants, black shoes. No way. Cliché.
Instead, I bought a clipboard, clunky boots, a blue hardhat, and an ugly vest. If anybody asked what I was doing, I'd whip out an atrocious New Jersey accent and say, "EY! I'm doin' a jahb heeyah!"
As I tromped along in awkward but surprisingly quiet boots, I remembered I was in GFI. Gary Fucking Indiana. I could walk through town with a feather duster, a feather boa, and a boa constrictor without anyone giving a fuck. Unless I was inside a mark's home, the only question I'd get asked was, "Got any weed?"
The outside part of the job was easy:
Find the home and figure out when nobody would be there. People post a surprising amount of that info on social media. He lives alone and works nine to five? Nice. He's gonna be at a concert Tuesday night? Guess where I'll be.
Searching their homes wasn't so easy.
Once, when I was in a mark's condo searching for his Bitcoin seed words, his girlfriend showed up.
She said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
I held up my clipboard and said, "Whadayoo TINK I'm doin' heyah? I got clunky boots, a hardhat an' a ugly vest. I'm doin' a jahb heeyah! Tank gaaahd ya HOME!"
She said, "Oh," and somehow, it was fine.
I told her not to use any reverse-polarized electronics for at least thirty minutes, though an hour would be better, just to be safe. "Cuz yoo nevah know."
And I left.
I went back the next night and found his Bitcoin seed words hidden on a sticky note under the top of his desk.
And also, huh. Was she really his girlfriend? Maybe she was also just doin' a jahb dayah.
I experienced another mishap due to a home alarm system. I opened the door and the thing started screaming.
WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!
I closed the door and hid behind a bush, curious to see what would happen. A man came from the house next door, to turn off the alarm. Then he left, so I went back. It seemed like the logical thing to do.
WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!
I closed the door again and hid behind a bush, curious to see what would happen. A man came from the house next door, to turn off the alarm. Then he left, so I went back. It seemed like the logical thing to do.
WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!
I closed the door and hid behind a bush, again, curious to see what would happen. A man came from the house next door, and loudly cursed as he ripped a piece of electronics off the wall and flung it into the yard. Then he left, so I went back.
Clearly, it was the logical thing to do.
No woopwoopwoop meant the alarm had been disabled. The debris in the yard agreed.
I found his seed words on a sticky note, under his mousepad.
So many Bitcoiners use sticky notes. It cracks me up.
One time, I let myself into a mark's house while it was already being robbed. Some bro wearing a black hoodie and a ski mask was standing in the living room, holding a trash bag.
I said, "Are you, perchance, a thief? 'Cause I am too, and I guarantee we're looking for different stuff, so... Carry on. The valuables are yours, anything on paper is mine. Deal?"
He didn't know how to react, so he said his name was Brandon. Or was it Brendan? Or Brian? And why the fuck would he tell me that? It was cool though. We played Da Funk by Daft Punk on the stereo while he tossed the place. And I found all kinds of goodies in the kitchen. The mark's seed words were taped to the bottom of a jar that definitely wasn't filled with powdered sugar, and the fridge had pie.
I was, like, "Yo, Bri! The mark's got pie!"
So we had pie.
Oh! That's right! Bri! His name was Brian.
Over text messages with Claire, anything from the bakery was code for a bust. But when you're inside a mark's home with another burglar who's confused as hell and does not trust you, it's great how pie and Da Funk can bring people together.
Daft Punk is a musical genius and Brian was an idiot.
Another time, I went into a mark's apartment, expecting it to be empty, only to find a woman curled up on the couch. She said, "Can I help you?" I showed her my clipboard and said I was from management. "Is your AC working? We've been getting reports that some residents are having problems." It was snowing outside. I went back a week later to get the job done.
And, there was the time I was searching a home owned by a guy named Gary.
Things got hairy when Gary from Gary showed up.
("Well, shit.")
I'd already found an index card with his Bitcoin seed words and snapped a picture. The card was in a desk drawer with a masking tape label that said, "Shhhhh." Extremely covert. Kudos to Gary for a job well done.
The desk drawer was locked, but I had a copy of the key. ("Shhhhh!")
I shhhhhould have left, but the man's keychain had twenty-one keys. I needed to know why, so...
I searched the house.
It seemed like the logical SHUT UP. I KNOW. I know. I made a mistake, okay?
I was in the basement when Gary came home. Then his mom arrived. And his sister. And his aunts and uncles and grandparents and family friends and...
("Oh my God!")
...they were having an intervention.
Dad had a problem.
Worst. Surprise. Party. Ever?
I could have easily topped their dad's surprise by jumping out of the closet, yelling, "Surprise! Your son's got a problem too. He's getting robbed."
I opted not to.
Instead, I waited it out, and I learned way too much about how their dad became a doomsday prepper. Everybody was fine with the stockpile of canned soup and sardines. They didn't even mind the inert molotov cocktails. But when he started digging up the back yard to build an underground bunker...? That was too much.
And while I understood their concern, their dad wasn't entirely wrong. Bad stuff happens. Take, for example, the fact that a thief was spending that very same night, in their home, in the basement, hiding in a closet.
I'm just putting it in perspective.
That's not quite true though. Technically speaking, I wasn't in their homes to rob any of them. In each case, I was only there to take a picture of their Bitcoin seed words, in order to afford myself the opportunity to rob them some other time, at some other place, at my convenience.
In essence, it is fair to say, I was simply doin' a jahb dayah.