Right guy,
Wrong guy.
A guy's a guy.
— Francesca
Looking back on it, my trial run with Dez wasn't bad. She did her part of the job well and I was pretty sure I could convince her to give it another go.
On the other hand, I knew I could do better. I just needed to find the right partner.
My next try was with a chick named Lexi. I found her at The Shady Lady Exchange, buying a wig, a trench coat, and a pair of white gloves. I thought for sure she was my kinda gal.
We discussed my scheme over a bottle of Southern Comfort, and she was all in. Zero hesitation. In retrospect, that should have been a clue.
She said, "Yeah, I've done stuff like this before. Seems like you're kinda overthinkin' it, but whatevs. Let's do this."
I trolled a few hipster bars and found an easy mark. I got in touch with Lexi, who was already waiting and ready to go.
"I got a guy for you, Lexi. He's at The Redline Tavern. Do you know the place? Good! He's at a table in the back of the bar, by the juke box. You can't miss him. He's wearing a trucker hat that says Bitcoin. Get him to ask you on a date and let me know when."
She said, "We don't need to set up another time. We're doing this tonight. I'm not far from there. I'll text you when I got him."
Confidence is good, right? I figured I had some time to kill, so I went to The Boxtan Inn to work out the details for selling Bitcoin to Foke so I could get cash.
Foke and I were wrapping things up when I got a text from Lexi. It said, "New plan." And she sent a pic. I gasped.
"Oh FUCK."
"Wassup, Hose?"
"My 'friend.' Different friend. She got herself into a situation. I just need a sec to think about how to handle it."
"Need to get Nono on dis?"
"Whoa. No, no. No Nono. Just no. Nothing like that."
I showed Foke the screen on my phone. There was a picture of a man I'd never seen before. He was blindfolded and handcuffed to a bed. Naked.
"My friend made a mistake. I don't know who this guy is, but he's not a mark. I need him to just walk away, y'know? No harm, no foul. It was an oops. I need him to be glad to walk away."
"Ah, shit. Tha's easy. Whachoo need is da right tool for da job."
"And that tool is?"
"Hose. You don't see it?"
"I'm drawing a blank here, sir."
"That man is s'prisinly erect. Right tool's a wrench."
"A WRENCH??!!"
"Adjustable."
"Wow."
"C'mon, Hose. Pop a wrench on dat an' tighten up just enough so's he knows who's boss. Tell him what da deal is. He will accept. Go yo' separate ways, feel me?"
"Right. But won't he...?"
"You can take a man's belongins," Foke said. "He know he can buy new shit. Bu'choo threaten DAT? He see it yo' way."
"Wow."
"An' if he don't? Muhfuggin' slug him wid it. A wrench is versatile, yo."
Despite telling myself again and again I would not do any of that, I went to Ace Hardware, because I didn't have a better idea.
A bright eyed teenager with way too much oomph for a part time job in a dead end town tried to help me.
"Hi!!! I'm Brody! May I assist you in finding anything today?"
"Yo, bro, I just need a wrench."
"Would you prefer Imperial, or Metric?"
There was no way to explain the extent to which a detail like that could not possibly fucking matter.
I said I was in a rush. "I've got a pipe that needs to be adjusted just a little, and I'll hopefully never use this wrench again."
"I've got just the thing."
So did the guy in the picture, and the clock was ticking.
I walked out of there with a Stanley Metric adjustable for $4.67. Five bucks, after taxes.
Lexi texted me her address. Well, it was somebody's address.
When I got there, the situation was bad. She greeted me outside.
"This is the guy, right," she said, handing me a Buffalo Bills hat. Inside, a very confused guy was trying to find out when he was getting laid.
"OK, OK," he shouted. "Enough with the foreplay. It's time for Big Jimmy and Little Jimmy to have some fun!"
Fuck.
"Lexi, he's the wrong guy."
"Right guy. Wrong guy. A guy's a guy. He's a guy."
I grabbed his T-shirt off the floor and went into the kitchen to find scissors so I could turn it into the world's shittiest Zorro mask. He was blindfolded, but still. Take no chances.
Then, I headed into the bedroom where Jimmy was still... s'prisinly erect.
I ran my finger along his cock to make him think something good was about to happen. Then I used the wrench.
He said, "Whoa, that's cold, but Big Jimmy likes it."
"Wait. So, you're Little Jimmy?" Lexi asked.
Another question that could not possibly matter.
"Wait, wow, whoa. What are we doing, ladies???"
I tightened the wrench.
"I need you to listen Jimmy, because what I'm about to say is very important."
"WHOA."
"My friend Francesca made a mistake. She's a recovering sex addict who has a bad habit of stabbing her victims, and I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen, because I don't want her to relapse and I don't wanna clean up the mess, y'know?"
"Hey hey hey, whoa whoa whoa..."
"Jimmy, you need to leave. But the only way I can let you go is if you're not gonna be a problem."
Lexi asked who Francesca was, because of course she did.
I tightened the wrench a little more.
Jimmy responded, accordingly.
"Ho ho ho, whoa who whoa... No problem no problem no problem. I can go. Let me go. Go go go..."
"I'm glad to hear we both want the same outcome, Jimmy. Let me explain how this is gonna work, OK?"
"OK OK OK..."
"Jimmy, I've got a gun," I lied, "which means you're not gonna make any sudden moves. You're gonna get up, slowly. Francesca and I are going to drive you back to your car. Where is it?"
"No, really," Lexi said. "Who's Francesca?"
God. Damn. Girl.
One of the Jimmies shook. The person, not the... As if it matters.
"It, it, it, it, it..."
"Calm down, Little Jimmy. Nobody wants to hurt Big Jimmy. Where's your car?"
"It's... by the bar. Wh...wh...where we met."
"Very good. We're gonna take you there and drop you off. Don't make any sudden moves and you're gonna be fine. Someday, you'll look back on this moment and laugh. I know today is not that day, but someday, you will. Francesca, where are the rest of his clothes?"
"Most of 'em are in the car."
"What? Why?!? Never mind. He'll get dressed in the car."
"Wait. So, I'm Francesca?"
GOD.
DAMN.
GUUUUURL.
Here's the beauty of being in a bad part of a dying city.
You can walk out of a shitty apartment wearing a bandana mask while leading a handcuffed, blindfolded but otherwise naked man, by the cock, with a wrench, and not look suspicious at all.
Welcome to Gary motherfucking Indiana.
"I might be starting to like this place."
"Excuse me?"
"Shut up, Jimmy."