Oh, me? I'm Dr. Fergusson.
— Not Dr. Fergusson
It had already been three weeks, but Grandma Paula still wasn't ready with my new ID, so I went on the prowl again, looking for the next guys. The next marks. Maybe I could do it alone?
I found a guy at a coffee shop with a Bitcoin sticker on his laptop. I followed him to his house, then I went back the next night to see if I could break in. No dice. I snapped his picture though. Saved it for later.
Another guy had what looked like the world's dumbest pendant on a necklace, which had to be something nerdy, so I Googled it. Google said it was a Ledger Bitcoin hardware wallet. He had a pocket-watch keychain with a dangly cord, but I'm not a good pickpocket. "Maybe I should hire one to teach me?"
Actually, no. I didn't want to go down that road.
I tried following Pocket-Watch. That went bad. He stopped quick and I almost bumped into him. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
New rule: No interaction with the mark. Not even in passing.
I spotted another guy using what looked like maybe a wallet app on his phone. He was an easy mark for something, that's for sure. I followed him home, but when I came back the next day, I couldn't get in.
Gary wasn't like Wanatah.
In Wanatah, breaking into houses was easy. Most people didn't worry about that sort of thing. Some folks didn't lock their doors. Others hid a spare key somewhere stupidly easy to find. Very few homes had secure windows.
In Gary, everything's locked up tight. Nobody blinks if you pull up to a house with a moving van, as long as you don't have to break in. Got the keys? You're golden.
No keys? No entry.
I remember being in that bathroom stall, while Dez was in the next one, with a John. Why he took his pants totally off, I don't know, but when I used my foot to slide them my way, my eyes immediately went to his wallet. His keys were in the other pocket... That's what I kept coming back to, each time I thought about it. The keys.
Got the keys? Easy entry.
I've always been that way. I always look for an easy way in, even if only out of curiosity.
One time, when I was nine, I got stuck with one of my teachers because mom was away. Missing, really. I went over to a window and said, "I like that."
"The view?" she asked, and I jumped because I didn't realize I'd said it out loud.
"Yeah, the view."
Bullshit. I was talking about the window itself. A little tap tap, a little shimmy shimmy. I knew it'd go up, for sure. And it did, when I came back to her house a few weeks later. Got twenty bucks off her dresser.
It's not that way in Gary.
To get into a guy's home here, I needed his keys.
To get his keys without him knowing, I needed a partner.
I tried pairing up with the clever bitch who attempted the two-ring French-Drop-swap at The Shady Lady Exchange. Nobody got to shoplift on my watch, but still, honor among thieves, y'know?
She said her name was Anastasia. Sure it was. Her technique told me she was a pro. Why not give her a go?
I found a mark and told her how the plan worked. I even explained the Bitcoin part, and she understood. She said she'd take the mark swimming at 7pm. I expected to go through his pants while they were in the water, so I could make a copy of his keys and take a picture of his driver's license. Instead, I watched from a distance as she tied him to a tree, and used his finger to unlock his phone. After she robbed hum, I got a text that says, "Got him. Gimmie a Bitcoin address for your cut."
Even worse, she left him like that. So, fuck it. I untied him while he told me about the crazy broad he'd been on a date with.
"I think she broke my finger!"
"Shut up, Jimmy."
"Huh? My name's Paul."
Shut up, Jimmy.
Next, I tied online dating, to see if I could find a woman looking for a sugar daddy. My pitch was, "Why let them use you for money when you can just take it? Do it my way and we'll both get a lot more."
She just said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
Shut up, Jimmy.
I found a girl named Candie, with a fucking heart for a dot over the i. I made a profile that said I was Alex. She almost bolted the moment I met her for a drink.
"You're not a guy!"
I told her I had a better plan. She told me to fuck off. Fair enough.
Next was a dingbat who said, "Oh hey! I'm Gigi Del Prado!"
I said, "No way! I'm Phoebe Delgado!"
She didn't get the joke, and she didn't understand the gig. I found her a mark. Dumb bitch straight up asked the guy where he kept his valuables.
She said, "I figured whatever we're looking for will be there, right? Smart!"
God. Damn. Girl.
Can't believe I wasted seventy-five bucks getting her a haircut, as if putting lip gloss on a crash test dummy made a difference.
I tried again with a girl named Sabrina. She loved the idea, but it turns out, she loved too much. Our mark had great potential. She met him for drinks. Two hours later, I got a text that said, "OMG!!! DEAL'S OFF!!! I LOVE THIS GUY!!!" followed by five rows of heart-shaped emojis.
I thought, "Bitch, you don't know him. He's evil. They all are."
I'm sure she found out, soon enough.
And I found out I needed more than just any partner. I needed the right partner. I needed a partner who needed it.
She had to need it more than me, and I fucking needed it.
I needed the rush.
In a world where you feel like you don't belong, there's a rush that comes with being somewhere you really don't belong. I once imagined what it would be like to put on a fancy dress and walk right into some elegant event, just to see how far you could go. "Oh, me? I'm with the Petersons. Nice to meet you." Or, what would it be like to snatch a white lab coat, and wander through a hospital, like you worked there. Maybe find a patient who's lonely. Just sit there and talk. "Oh, me? I'm Dr. Fergusson, but I'm just here temporarily, filling in."
I never wanted to be somebody else. I just wanted to see somebody else's world, without them knowing I was there. Without them cleaning up first, to put away the stuff they didn't want me to see. And maybe, yeah, I'd take a souvenir.
I've always needed that rush.
But ever since being in Steve's home, with his keys, and realizing I also had the key to his safe... Well, it was the key to reset the combination lock, which meant it still gave me access to his safe. Anyway. Finding eighty grand. That was big. I've stolen plenty of cash before, but never anything like that. And when I found his little black book, with the names of kids he dealt to. I knew if I gave it to Foke, there'd be no Steve to come after me. He was slowly killing kids. I feel no guilt.
All cash. No consequences.
And the rush.
THAT RUSH.
The same way liquor makes some people feel sleepy, the rush made me feel so alive.
Money means freedom. Live free or die.