Ketchup, soy sauce,
and a little bit of chocolate syrup.
— Chef Boy Are D E A D
Reggie set me up with a lady named Paula, who worked at the DMV in Merrillville. She told me to meet her at the cemetery by Veterans Memorial Park. That's not creepy at all.
"You're late," she barked.
"I wanted you to arrive first, you so could see me show up alone. Let's go pretend to visit somebody's grave, so we can talk."
Paula was not what I expected. I figured she'd be some young chick using a shitty name as an alias. Nope. Paula looked like she was somebody's grandmother, knitted shawl and all.
"Why do you need a new identity? Are you some kind of criminal?"
The lady who gets phony documents wanted to know if I was a criminal?
"I'm a runaway," I lied. "I left home a couple years ago, but somebody came looking for me. It's fine. I'm not in any trouble, but I wanna start fresh, somewhere new, and I don't want to take my name with me."
"Somebody came looking for you?"
"An ex boyfriend. He was abusive. It's why I left. Can you help me or not?"
"What you're asking for costs a lot of money."
"How much?"
"It takes more than just a new name. The kind of ID you're asking for needs paperwork to make it real. You need a Social Security number, birth certificate, preferably a passport, and..."
"I said, how much."
"More than you've got."
"I got more than money, lady. You asked if I was some kind of criminal. Well, what about you? You're not risking your job so you can get rich. What's your deal? I bet I can help."
"How in the hell would a kid like you help anybody?"
"First of all, I'm not a kid. And second, whatever you're up to... you're not doing it for you. Your car is old, but it's fine. You're dressed like a grandma, no offense. I'm saying, you don't look the type to be doing this. So what's your deal? You got a kid in trouble?"
That was a bluff, to get her talking, but I nailed it.
"Something like that."
"Does he owe a bank? Or a guy? 'Cause, if he owes a bank, I probably can't do shit. But if he owes a guy..."
"He owes a guy."
Of course her shithead kid was a he, and of course he owed a guy.
"OK then. I know a guy who makes problems like that go away. How much does your kid owe?"
"My kid's paid up. It's the interest now. I'm helping him work off the interest. But it's a lot."
"That's nothing. If I can make the debt go away, how much will my new name, paperwork, and ID cost?"
"If you can do that, I'll do it for free."
"I'm not asking for that. I'm not gonna help you get out of debt only to put you in somebody else's debt. Fuck that. Oops, sorry." Shouldn't be too crass around grandma. "Anyway, to get everything I need, what are your expenses?"
"Getting you a new driver's license isn't the issue. You'll show up at the DMV and pay in cash. Seventeen bucks. It's gonna cost me two thousand for the paperwork to make your new name legal, plus another thousand to the guy who gets it for me. So, my costs are three thousand. And it's gonna take me at least a month to get everything. By the time you come in for your driver's license, your new name will be legal, so the ID you get will be real. You'll need a real address to have it sent to."
"OK. That works. So, here's our deal, you and me. I'll pay you three grand up front, and I'll make your kid's debt go away. In exchange, I want to pick a name for the identity you get me."
"I can do a first name. More than that? Things get too complicated."
"Good enough."
"What's the new name?"
"Shayna."
"It might take a while, depending on how the paperwork comes together."
"That's fine. Now, here's how we're getting you out of debt. Tell the guy, a friend of Duquan Fokari and Nono is asking him nicely to forgive the interest, since your son already paid back the money he borrowed. And don't tell him anything about the 'friend' who gave you this picture. Guys don't fear chicks the way they fear each other."
But they should.
"Who the hell is..."
"Don't worry about it," I said, while handing her a Polaroid. "If the guy doesn't know, he'll take one look at this picture and you can bet your ass he'll ask around. And he'll settle up your son's debt fast. If he doesn't, let me know."
Grandma took one look at the picture and she jumped.
"Jesus Christ!!!"
"Relax," I lied. "It's not real, but it looks scary as hell, doesn't it?"
Nono does good work. Very bad, yes. Terribly bad, but very, very good.
"It's a chopped up mannequin. The rest is ketchup, soy sauce, and a little bit of chocolate syrup, with leftovers from some really shitty meat to make it look real."
Grandma could tell I was lying, but the photo spoke the truth. Debt can be a vicious thing, but fate can be much worse. To free her kid from a predatory loan, she put it in her purse.
I knew she would.
Freedom isn't free. That photo proved it.