I got a boyfriend.
He'th into thith Bitcoin thtuff.
Make it make thenthe.
— Thuthie
Quinn said, "app," which meant smartphone. So I bought one.
I immediately lost three days playing Angry Birds.
"Oh Hell! This is like crack!"
MUST. STOP.
The truth is, I was scared to death of The B's twelve words because I didn't know what they were or what they meant, and I had no clue about.. well.. anything, tech. But I needed to figure it out.
I went into the App Store and searched for Bitcoin.
Simple enough.
I found the Bread Wallet app. Corny name, but The B was corny. So, I downloaded it.
I clicked various things, as if I had a clue. The screen said:
"Create New Wallet"
Sure. Whatever. The screen said:
"Write down these 12 words. If you lose your phone, you can restore your wallet with these words. Do not share this phrase with anyone. Anyone who has it can access your funds."
OH, HELL!
"The words are a wallet!? I should start over, with The B's words."
CANCEL! QUIT! RESTART!
"Restore Existing Wallet."
I entered The B's words.
"north umbrella fat pizza satoshi order fire casual switch leaf prepare yellow"
The app paused. Did it crash? I waited.
Then a number appeared.
It said I had 30.2 BTC.
"What's that, like 30 cents? Yo, Google, how much is a BTC?"
$8,273.09
"WHUT?"
I clicked the number on the Bitcoin app and it switched to the value in dollars.
$249,847.318
"WHAT WHAAAAAAT?"
I turned the phone off. I hid it in a drawer, underneath a pile of socks. I closed the drawer and ran out of the room.
I turned back, to put a chair in front of the dresser, as if to prevent the phone from escaping. Then I ran out the room and out of my apartment, as if I was escaping the scene of a crime.
As I stood in the street, I thought, "Oh my God. Am I Larry???"
No.
I didn't steal the Bitcoin. I just looked at it. And The B didn't know I saw what I saw. I didn't even know what I saw. And who was I to him? I was just some chick he met, and our date lasted less than a minute because he pissed me off. He had no idea who I was or what I'd done.
Then, I wondered.
"Wait. What did I do? How does this work?"
Fuck!
"I need a geek."
Not good enough.
"I need a geek who doesn't know me."
Still not good enough.
"I need a geek who doesn't know me and isn't from anywhere near here."
I searched online and found a Bitcoin club in South Bend. It turned out to be three guys. Bob, Bob, and a slob who's real name was definitely not Thor. Come on, bro.
Their next meetup was at a bar called O'Rourke's.
I borrowed a car and dug out the dumb yellow glasses. And a wig.
I told them my name was Susie. Sort of.
"Hi guyth!!! I'm Thuthie from Thyracuthe. OK, tho, I got a boyfriend. He'th into thith Bitcoin thtuff, but I don't underthtand it at all. Can you help? Make it make thenthe."
The lisp was over the top, but fuck it. I didn't know these clowns and I'd never see them again. I just needed anthers.
(Dammit. Stop that.)
Bob said something about blocks and a chain. The other Bob said other things, none of which was what I needed to know. So...
"Tho, here'th the thing. My boyfriend and I are getting married. Hith name ith Theth. He wath gonna thell hith Bitcoin to buy me a nithe ring. He'th tho thweet. But thomebody thtole hith Bitcoin. How do we figure out who did it?"
Fuck this lisp. What a thtupid idea.
(Dammit.)
Bob said, "The seed words are the keys. If somebody found his words, it means they got the keys to his Bitcoin."
And Bob agreed. "Yeah, like he said, if they sent his Bitcoin to their address, there's no way to get it back."
"Ith that tho, Thor?"
"That's true. They're gone."
That's what I needed to know.
The B's Bitcoin was mine. But how would I sell it? This wasn't the place to find out.
Tell Bitcoiners you like Bitcoin. They will like you!
Tell Bitcoiners you steal Bitcoin. They will loathe you, and that's not a Thuthieithm. I was brand new to this thtuff...
(Motherfucker.)
...but I already knew that much, because it is a universal truth.
"Oh well. Thankth for the help, guyth. I gueth I gotta go thpill the thad newth to Theth."
I don't have many rules, but I do have a few.
I'm adding No Fake Lisps to the litht.
(Goddammit)