How do we figure out who did it?
Make it make thenthe.
— An Angry Bird
While telling me about Bitcoin, Quinn said, "app," which meant smartphone. So I bought one.
I immediately lost three days playing Angry Birds.
"Oh Hell! This is like crack!"
MUST. STOP.
The truth is, I was scared to death of The B's twelve words because I didn't know what they were or what they meant, and I had no clue about... well... anything related to tech. But I needed to figure it out.
I went into the App Store and searched for Bitcoin.
Simple enough.
I found the Voila Wallet app. Corny name, but The B was corny. So, I downloaded it.
I clicked various things, as if I had a clue.
The screen said:
"Create New Wallet or Restore Existing Wallet."
I clicked Create.
The screen froze for a second, and then said:
"Your wallet has been created using these 12 seed words. Write them on paper and store them somewhere safe. If you lose your phone, you can restore your wallet with these words. Do not share your seed words with anyone. Anyone who finds your words can access your Bitcoin."
OH, HELL!
"The words restore a wallet!? What does that even mean? Fuck it! I'll start over, and try using The B's words."
CANCEL! QUIT! RESTART!
I clicked "Restore Existing Wallet" this time.
I entered the words from The B's sticky note.
"north umbrella february pizza satoshi order fire casual switch leaf prepare yellow"
The app froze for a few seconds this time.
Then a number appeared.
It said 19.7 BTC.
I said, "What's that worth, maybe 30 cents? Yo, Google. How much is a BTC?"
$10,312.70
"WHUT?!?"
I clicked the number on the Bitcoin app and it switched to the value in dollars.
$203,160.19
"WHAT WHAAAAAT?"
I turned the phone off. I hid it in a drawer, underneath a pile of socks. I tossed some underwear on top before slamming the drawer shut and running out of the room.
I turned back, to put a chair in front of the dresser, as if to prevent the phone from escaping. I don't know why. Then I ran out of the room again, this time to get out of my apartment, as if I was fleeing the scene of a crime.
I was standing in the rain, in the middle of the street, when I looked back at my apartment building and thought, "Oh my God. Am I Larry?!?"
No.
I didn't steal the Bitcoin. I just looked at it. And The B didn't know I saw what I saw. And who was I to The B? I was just some chick he met, months ago. Our date lasted less than a minute because he pissed me off. He had no idea who I was or what I'd done.
Then, I wondered.
"Wait. What did I do? How does this work?"
Fuck!
"I need a geek."
Not good enough.
"I need a geek who doesn't know me."
Still not good enough.
"I need a geek who doesn't know me and isn't from anywhere near here."
I searched online and found a Bitcoin club in South Bend. They called themselves Bit Benders, and their next meetup was Tuesday night, at a bar called O'Rourke's.
I went there. But first, I dug out my wig and the dumb yellow glasses.
The Bit Benders turned out to be three guys. Bob, Bob, and a slob whose real name was definitely not Thor. Come on, bro.
I told them my name was Susie. Sort of.
"Hi guyth!!! I'm Thuthie from Port Luthie. That'th in Florida. I'm new in town. Anyhoo, I got a boyfriend. He'th into thith Bitcoin thtuff, but I don't underthtand it at all. Can you help? Make it make thenthe."
The lisp was over the top, but fuck it. I didn't know these clowns and I'd never see them again. I just needed answerth.
(Dammit. Stop that.)
Bob said something about blocks and a chain. The other Bob said other things, none of which were what I needed to know. So...
"Tho, here'th the thing. My boyfriend and I are getting married. Hith name ith Theth. He had thome Bitcoin, and he wath gonna thell it to buy me a nithe ring. He'th tho thweet. But thomebody found hith theeeed wordth, and they thtole the Bitcoin. How do we figure out who did it?"
Fuck this lisp. What a thtupid idea.
(Dammit.)
Bob said, "If somebody found his seed words, they found the keys to his wallet. That means, they have his Bitcoin."
And the other Bob agreed. "Yeah, like he said, once somebody's got the seed words, they can rebuild the wallet and send the Bitcoin to their own address. There’s no way to get it back."
"Ith that tho, Thor?"
"That's true. The Bitcoin's gone."
"Well that thuckth."
Actually, that was great, and it's what I needed to know.
The B's Bitcoin was mine for the taking. But how would I sell it? I knew this wasn't the place to find out.
Tell Bitcoiners you like Bitcoin. They will like you!
Tell Bitcoiners you steal Bitcoin. They will loathe you, and that's not a Thuthieithm. I was brand new to this thtuff...
(Motherfucker.)
...but I already knew that much, because it is a universal truth.
"Oh well. Thankth for the help, guyth. I gueth I gotta go thpill the thad newth to Theth."
I don't have many rules, but I do have a few.
I'm adding No Fake Lisps to the litht.
(Goddammit.)
Editor's Note:
For safety reasons, the seed phrase printed here has been intentionally altered and cannot be used to access a valid Bitcoin wallet.