Bitcoin fixes this?
— The Visitor
It was a week before Christmas, and the weather was miserable. Claire was too. She had a mark coming to the house for a dip in the hot tub, and I made it home just in time to do my part of the job.
"Where the hell've you been?"
I said, "I was out doing a thing. Who's the guy?"
She'd been finding most of the marks lately, and it was important to her that they were bad, but I'd never seen her seethe before. "I'm gonna be all smiles when he gets here, Shay, but I fucking hate this one."
"Is he that bad?"
"He seems nice at first, in a dorky way, but he's rotten to the core. He's running a scam, and it's a hell of a lot uglier than ours. It's fucking evil. He's getting got, and that's that."
And with that, his car pulled in the driveway.
I scampered down to my workshop in the basement and closed the door. The heater down there was blowing hot air with a growl, so I didn't hear the mark's voice, but my heart sank when I came upstairs to go through his clothes as she entertained him in the hot tub. I could hear them mumbling as jazz played on the stereo.
I had a weird feeling, but I couldn't figure out why.
The mark's T-shirt smelled like the scratchy cologne guys wear that's supposed to smell like wood and incense. My ex, Larry, wore that shit, back when I was working at The Shady Lady.
I grabbed the mark's driver's license without even looking at the thing. I snapped a picture and headed downstairs to copy his keys. But here's the thing about Polaroids. You can't check 'em to make sure they're in focus until they develop, and that takes a couple minutes.
When the picture finally filled in, I saw a stupid skinny face with googly eyes that I knew too well. The name on the ID said Larry Durlacher.
Goddamn. Claire reeled in my ex.
I texted her to say he was a cream cheese bagel, and she replied immediately. "BUTTERSCOTCH." All caps.
Well, shit.
I made copies of his keys, mostly because I didn't know how this was gonna play out.
Larry left town in 2019, when a guy named Spyke came looking for the money Larry owed him. Larry didn't even say goodbye. He just split. Two years later, he was back? I sent Claire another text that said, "TAMPONS!"
She texted me back, "ALWAYS, WITH WINGS." I had no damn clue what that meant.
When she finally wrapped things up with Larry in the hot tub and sent him out the door, she came stomping down the stairs, cursing every step of the way. "Fuckin' A... somebody oughta, just... oh, son of a... It's cold down here!" She was still wearing a bright red bikini, dripping water all over the place.
"There's a problem, Shay?"
"Yeah. Where'd you meet this guy?"
"You haven't been lining up marks, so I had to get creative. I found him at a video game tournament. They were doing a raffle and the grand prize was a hundred grand in Bitcoin. He bought a ticket."
"That doesn't mean he's gonna win!"
"He was wearing a black T-shirt that said, 'Bitcoin Fixes This.' He's a fucking mark."
"He's a goddamn bagel!"
"No, he's not."
"How do you know?"
"He's been buying Bitcoin for over a year with money he gets by running a scam. And it's bad."
"How bad?"
"Worse than bad. He volunteers at a couple of nursing homes, and he's stealing from the old folks. He even got a lady to name him in her will. Can you believe he told me that shit? I coaxed it out of him because I could tell something was off, but he thought it made him look smart! 'They're gonna die soon anyway,' he said. Fuck that. We're taking this clown down."
"But..."
"With wings, Shay."
"I don't know what that means."
"It means, you better fly, because his time is up. As soon as you're done hitting his home, I'm calling the cops to turn him in. I'm gonna find the nursing homes too, to let 'em know."
"Oh no, you're not!!!"
"Hell yes, I am!!!"
"We don't interfere with their lives, Claire! That's not our thing is about."
"Are you fucking kidding me? We don't interfere with their lives?"
"We don't!"
"We wreck their lives. We ruin them. Girl, we're doing a lot more than just stealing their coins. We're stealing their future."
"It's about Bitcoin!"
"It isn't."
"It's about money!!!"
"No. It isn't."
"Then what, Claire? What's it really about?"
"It's about pain, Shayna. You like making guys suffer, and you hit 'em where it hurts. You violate the sanctity of their homes and you mess with their minds, leaving them with no idea what they did wrong. And this is a really bad guy who's done a hell of a lot wrong. You're gonna rob him. I'm gonna wreck him. We're doing this one fast."
"Here's the thing. I used to know this guy."
"That's not my problem, Shay. I did my job. You can't do yours?"
"Of course I can!"
"Then do it. Hit his home. You've got twenty-four hours before I turn him in. And when he lands in prison, I'm gonna visit so I can look him in the eye and make sure he knows I'm the one who got him. Stealing from the elderly? Oh, hell no."
I couldn't talk her out of it, so I went to Larry's apartment the next day, while he was at the video game tournament. Claire said he'd be there again, from 6 to 10pm.
It only took me a few minutes to get his seed words. Dumbass wrote 'em on a sticky note and used it as a bookmark in his journal. I found it in a metal box under his bed. The box was locked, but the key was on his keychain, so... yeah. File that under Single Point Of Failure.
After that, I raided his kitchen for snacks and sat down to some TV while I waited for him to come home. I chowed through half a box of Nutter Butters and some Ding Dongs while watching The Wizard Of Oz on cable. Larry came home right at the part of the movie that always pisses me off. The part where the good witch tells Dorothy she could have gone home whenever she wanted, which means the whole goddamn story was a waste of time. "Just tap your heels together!" Just go to hell with that plot hole.
I was still cursing at the TV when Larry opened the front door, and muttered, "What the hell? I left the lights on?" I wanted to say he could go to hell too, but hell was coming for him soon enough.
Instead, I turned the movie off and said, "I turned the lights on, Larry."
He jumped when he saw me sitting on his couch. He looked like he'd seen a ghost.
"Dandy! Wow! How'd you get in? Wait. How'd you find me? How are you?"
"I'm fine. You're fucked."
"What?"
"God, you're such an idiot. You've been scamming old folks, and you're busted."
"I haven't been..."
"Don't bother lying. It's a waste of time. By tomorrow, the nursing homes will know."
"How do you know?"
"Doesn't matter. I'm just here to give you a heads up 'cause we've got history."
"What do I do?"
"Doesn't matter what you do. It's over. You got caught."
"Caught by who?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Was it that girl? Blaire?"
"I don't know anyone named Blaire."
"Then who?"
"It doesn't matter, Larry."
"But..."
"Actions have consequences. You chose your fate. Face it or run. It'll getcha either way."
"Dandy! What do I do?!?"
"Do what you always do. The cops are coming. Maybe tomorrow."
Larry was as white as you'd think a guy named Larry would be, but that cowardly liar turned at least five shades whiter when I mentioned the police.
And then, he was gone.
He barely packed anything. He just threw some clothes in a backpack, and dug his journal out from under the bed, before he flew out the door like his freedom depended on it, which it certainly did. I didn't ask where he was going. I didn't want to know.
I knew I'd never see him again.
Oh, Larry.
Typical guy.
Dumb as a dildo in a box of cocks. But he had 21.65 BTC, so his old people scam must have been pretty fucking good.
Whoever said crime doesn't pay was a dumbass too. Claire was right though. What Larry did was awful. He got what he deserved, and I got his Bitcoin. I stole it as soon as the sound of his car's tires peeling out faded in the distance.
Then I texted Claire.
"Dos Equis"
Alcohol was code to say the job was done, and two exes seemed appropriate.
Fuck you, Larry. And fuck you too, Blare.
Editor's Note:
Larry Durlacher was apprehended on Christmas Eve, 2021. He was convicted of elder abuse and financial fraud, and is currently serving a five-year sentence at the Westville Correctional Facility.
In February 2023, Claire visited him in prison. She wore a custom-made T-shirt that said, "Bitcoin fixes this?"