We live in a world that has doors.
— Absolutely Not Aaron Sorkin
It was five in the afternoon when Claire found me slumped over the dining room table, eating breakfast.
"You're finally up," she said.
"Sort of. I had a long night. And then some."
"Good lord, Shayna. Is that what I think it is?"
"Maybe?"
"Oh, no."
"Look, we've been texting fake grocery lists for our code words, but we forgot to make a real list. We're out of milk."
"So you're having Fruit Loops with...?"
"Vanilla vodka."
"Girl, that's nasty."
"Trust me. I need this. What's up, Claire?"
"I have news."
"If it's bad, can it wait?"
"It's good. Maybe great. I might have a line on a whale."
"Wait. What?"
"I was supposed to be on a date with a mark last night, but he didn't show."
"You got stood up?"
"Let it go."
"Really?"
"I'm trying to tell you... While I was waiting at the bar, the guy next to me used a crypto credit card to pay for his drinks. I guess that's a new thing."
"Hey! Good catch!"
"Yeah! I was, like, 'Hello handsome!'"
"You worked your magic!"
"I did. We flirted for a bit, but he had to leave, so he gave me his business card. He owns an art gallery in Hyde Park, and I'm pretty sure it's a scam. I'm gonna pretend to casually drop by so he can ask me out. Wanna come?"
"No way. I never meet the mark."
"Not to the art gallery. I mean, you should come with me, to hang out in the city. I know you love Chicago, and Hyde Park is a nice neighborhood. We'll make a day of it."
She knew me too well, which meant she also knew I was in no condition to go anywhere. But we wanted to strike while the iron was hot, so we headed out the next day. She even offered to drive, since I was still recovering from a nasty Vroot Loops hangover.
When we got into the city, I grabbed a snack at a coffee shop and wandered Hyde Park while she flirted with the mark. Then we went to 57th Street Beach so she could lie on a blanket and run her fingers and toes in the sand. Give me the concrete jungle any day, but that girl craves Earth.
I had to admit, it felt nice to take a break and sit in the late summer sun. Claire seemed to think so too.
"This has been a good day," she said. "Look what I found on the sidewalk. It's a Hawaii quarter. Somebody must have dropped it. Ever since you showed me your trick, I check the backs to see if they're different."
"Nice! You should go there someday."
"Maybe I will."
"How'd things go with the mark?"
"His name is Mark."
"The mark is a Mark?"
"Mark is a mark."
"I guess that had to happen, eventually."
"Shay, his art gallery has fraud written all over it. The art was shit and the prices can't be real. Hell, there was dust on one of the sculptures, but something's definitely happening there, and he's got a Bitcoin payment thingamabob by the desk. Mark's a mega-mark, and I got a date with him next week. I can already tell he's gonna be easy to reel in."
"Awesome! We should celebrate! Let's go for drinks. Someplace nice."
"Sure, but if you're drinking, I'm not. One of us needs to be sober for the drive home."
"More for me then. I saw a place with outdoor seating. I got an idea I want to run by you."
"Oh?"
"It's just a thought."
After an hour or so on the beach, I took her to the Quadra Cafe. It was a little place that had a patio with too many tables in too little space smooshed along a deck between the building and the sidewalk, but for what I needed, it was perfect.
I started to order a beer, but Claire told me to live a little, so I got a Chicago Fizz, and then another, as a cool breeze hinted that autumn would soon be here. That's a cocktail made with rum, crazy wine, lemon juice, syrup, and egg whites, which probably sounds disgusting but it's frothy and awesome, much like myself.
Claire saw me smirk. She said, "I guess the drink's good, eh?"
"Yeah, but it's not about that."
"What's up?"
"On your left. When you see it, say it."
"Say what?"
I told her, "You'll know when you see it," and I watched her eyes as they searched for the source of my amusement.
My smirk grew into an ear to ear grin when a Lexus parked across the street, in front of one of those stupid trendy hotels where people overpay for tiny rooms. The hotel didn't have a parking lot, but it had curbside valet in front of the main entrance.
A guy got out of the car and handed his keys to the valet attendant.
Claire's jaw dropped, but her eyebrows went straight up.
"Oh my God, Shay."
"Aha! You saw it!"
"I saw a random guy, not a targeted mark."
"You saw a single point of failure."
"Girl, if that's the idea you wanted to talk about..."
"Yeah?"
"It's evil."
"Come on, Claire. Our whole thing is... y'know..."
"Evil?"
"Your word, not mine."
"You can't even say the word, can you?"
"Say what?"
"Evil."
"Is that what you want me to say?"
"I want the truth, Shay. Can you admit there's a line we can't cross? We've got rules, remember? Targeting bad guys is how we justify what we do."
"You want the truth?"
"Yeah."
"You. Can't. Handle. The Truth! Claire, we live in a world that has doors, and those doors have locks. Who's gonna give us the keys? Who's gonna do it? Them? Them, Lieutenant Weinberg?"
"What the fuck?"
"It's from that movie. A Few Good Men."
"Oh, lord."
"We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! We make marks weep for their lost Bitcoin, but as you know, they'd just spend it on hookers and blow."
"Hey now."
"Or they'd lose it, Claire! They'd lose the Bitcoin, because, as we also know, the way they store seed words is shit. It's shit! They write 'em on paper, so hackers can't get 'em. That's smart! But they store the paper where a thief can find it, which is pretty goddamn dumb. They don't understand it's their responsibility to keep that piece of paper safe! And they won't understand until somebody teaches them. So we must teach them!!!"
"We must?"
"We must!"
"Because...?"
"Because they need to learn they're the ones setting themselves up to get robbed. A thief only knows what victims show can be taken from them. When they let everybody know they own Bitcoin, they make themselves marks."
"Right, but..."
"But nothing. We have a duty to teach people the dangers of Social Engineering."
"Social what whut?"
"Social engineering. That's the term for our shtick. You get into marks' lives so I can get into their homes. Don't you see? We're teaching people how to stay safe, and this lesson, while grotesque and incomprehensible to some, saves lives!"
"It saves lives, Shay?"
"It saves something, Claire! It saves others from having to learn the hard way, because they find out what happened to the others!"
"To the other others."
"Yes! And thus..."
"There's more?"
"And, thus, I lost my train of thought."
"Yeah you did."
"But I've got it back!!!"
"Giiirl."
"And, THUS, Claire, by stealing Bitcoin from these people, we're helping other people learn how to do a better job of securing their Bitcoin! And we do this not only for ourselves, though especially for ourselves, but also for the other things, because these drinks are stronger than I thought, and again, my train of thought is lost."
"Trains are on rails, Shay. They can't get lost."
"But I don't care! And I don't give a damn what they think they are entitled to! Not the trains. The men. And that's also from the speech in A Few Good Men, but these are not good men, because we go after bad guys. So, fuck 'em, I say! Fuck 'em all! Let THEM be the ones to experience a code red! Maxi Pads for each and every fucking one of 'em!!!"
"It's time to bring this train into the station, Shay."
"I DID THE JOB THAT..."
"SHAY!"
"Yeah?"
"I think you scared everybody at the next table."
"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!"
"Oof."
"Sorry."
"Finished?"
"Yep."
"Feel better?"
"I really do."
"Whoooooooooo..."
"But it is brilliant, Claire. Isn't it? My idea?"
"God, it is. But it doesn't work because the marks would be random, not targeted."
"So, yeah, I guess maybe that's a problem."
"Yeah!"
"Which means, maybe, my idea is also that word you used."
"Evil?"
"That."
Editor's Note:
Our sincerest apologies to Aaron Sorkin, author of the screenplay for A Few Good Men. Unfortunately, this conversation happened.