Five Dollar Wrench

The Joke

"Hey, Claire!!! I'm surprised to see you! You never visited me in here before."

"Hh... eh? Oh. Hang on, Shay. Phone cord's tangled. Gah. When I was driving here, I thought there'd be a prison visitation room or something. This walled-off desk setup makes it feel like I'm visiting without a visit since we're still just talking through a phone. I hate the window. Ah well, anyway... I'm here! Hi!"

"Yeah, hi!!! It's good to see you!"

"It's good to see you too. It's time."

"Oh, I know all about time. I've been doin' nothin' but time."

"You'd be doing a lot more time if they didn't let you plead down."

"It was self-defense."

"Shay. We've talked about this."

"The gun was his!"

"Girl, if he came out of that coma, you'd be doing decades."

"HE drugged the cops, Claire. Not me. He made them coffee. I hear there was somethin' in it."

"Shay."

"Who the hell makes coffee after getting held at gunpoint? I couldn't'a planned that."

"Giiiiiiiiiirl."

"Woulda if I coulda, but I didn't. Four cops down. His fault. He's dead too, but I got two and a half years on a gun charge? Because it was premeditated? I shoulda got a goddamn medal."

"Oof."

"Yeah, well. Whatever. It's almost over. I'm gettin' out tomorrow!"

"That's why I'm here. It's time for a new chapter, y'know?"

"Hell yeah. I never told you this, Claire, but I'm so glad you started takin' my calls. Talkin' with you kept me sane while I was in here."

"You told me. But those Sunday calls were good for me, too."

"You missed me, didn'cha? Well, I've got news for ya. I wanna get things goin' again once I'm out. You should join me. It'll be like old times."

"I'm ready to go."

"Yeah?"

"And you're almost gone, Shay."

"Aww yeah!!!"

"I still have the New Hampshire quarter you gave me. The one that says 'Live Free Or Die'."

"Live free or die. Hell yeah. I can't wait to get out tomorrow. Live free!"

"Or the other thing."

"What?"

"We'll get to it."

"Can't wait!"

"I can't either."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Do you remember when we were just getting started?"

"You feelin' nostalgic, Claire?"

"Kinda. I was thinking about the day we got the paperwork for my alias. Clarity Rae. Fuckin' A. I said, 'It sounds like I'm a hick,' but you told me to make the name real. 'Find Clarity,' you said. 'Figure out who she is.' Well, it took a while, but I sure did. Clarity Rae Jenkins is a writer."

"Okay, well, good, right?"

"Right. That's why I'm here. I brought presents."

"Yeah?"

"You bet! I've got two presents and a joke. The joke is hilarious. It's not a Haha joke though. It's more like a Whoa-Hoa, but I promise, it's pure magic. I'll show you the presents first. The guards'll give 'em to you, right?"

"After they check 'em, yeah. But you didn't have to get me anything, Claire."

"Oh, but I did. Really, I did. I got ya... Maxi Pads."

"You got me Maxi Pads?"

"And a book."

"A book? I mean, thanks, but you're the reader. Not me."

"You'll read this one, Shay."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. It's a novel. It opens with a great quote about how, if you're gonna be a carnivore, never forget the world is a carnival and you're made of meat."

"Didn't you say that?"

"Maybe I did."

"It sure sounds like you."

"Anyway... the title of the novel is Five Dollar Wrench. I got three copies. I'm keeping one, and I'm giving one to you."

"Five Dollar Wrench? Holy shit. Remember what that used to mean? Hahaha!"

"That's what it still means."

"What do you mean?"

"That's what the story's about. Thievin'. Wrenchin'. Droppin'. And worse. And the best part is, you're in it."

"I'm in it?"

"You wrote it."

"The fuck does that mean?"

"The novel's published under a pen name, Shay. An alias. I know you know it."

"What's the name?"

"H. E. Tobe."

"Who the hell is H. E. Tobe? ...Wait... TOBE?"

"Hellen Eleanor Tobe. I got it from your old fake ID."

"You didn't! What the hell?"

"Wait'll I tell you about the story. It's basically a confession, but it reads like a memoir."

"Okaaaaay...?"

"It's about this chick who gets rich by stealing Bitcoin, but she isn't a hacker. She's a thief, and she does it old school. Call it the new old school. And she's really clever. When the mark gets got, nobody knows who did it because she leaves no trace. It's like she doesn't exist."

"You wrote... a book?"

"Everybody thinks you wrote a book."

"What the fuck? That was reckless. And you used my alias? It's a good thing Foke doesn't know I was Hellen."

"I made sure all of your aliases are in the book. Shayna Dempsey, Phoebe Delgado, Hellen... Hose."

"HOSE?"

"Nono knows Hose got his brother Jojo killed."

"GODDAMN! YOU TOLD HIM?!?"

"Nono thinks you told everyone when you wrote the book. I gave him a copy with sticky notes to bookmark things he should read first, like the part about his brother."

"You gave Nono...? If you wrote... If he thinks I wrote..."

"Foke's dead. Beanie's dead. Deader than dead. Foke's last words were 'No! NO!' Beanie's were too."

"Beanie???"

"She was the new you, and Nono's cleaning house. He's furious. Blood's flowin' from meat mowin'."

"Oh, Beanie. Wait... So, how are you... not...?"

"Dead? Deader than dead? How am I not so very dead, as in, 'No! NO!' then thud, smoosh, mow, and a fate immortalized by a stain, deep in a hardwood floor, that'll need a big-ass rug to cover up? Kinda like the one in your house? Is that what you're asking?"

"...Claaaaaire?"

"I gave Nono the book. I said he deserved to know the truth about how his brother died. And he thanked me. Actually, he said, 'STAY.' And he left. Then I heard some truly gruesome things coming from another room at the Boxtan Inn, before he returned and said, 'GOOD.' So that went well. And, hey, your prison sentence ends tomorrow. It's over. Guess what happens."

"...Claire???"

"No, no. Guess again."

"CLAIRE!!!!!!???"

"How long do you think Steve was out of the hospital before he got Steved? I know you remember what happened to him."

"How? How? HOW??? How could you know about Steve???"

"The house used to be in his name, and those records are public."

"But..."

"But nothing, Shay. Why do you think I took your calls after you ripped me off? You love to brag, and I needed details for the book. It's like you said, 'The details sell it.' Pairing up your stories with the baggies in your file cabinet was easy. You kept names, notes, and pictures for everything."

"You told me to keep that stuff!!!"

"I did."

"And you fucking broke into it?!?"

"Why would I break in? I had the keys."

"Not to the basement! Or my workshop! Or my file cabinet!"

"Shay."

"I kept my shit locked up tight!!!"

"Girl, the night I borrowed your car for a pizza run, you handed me the keys to everything. I made copies. It's called The Bitch Boomerang. That's how it's done."

"The Bitch Boomerang. Fuck you, Claire! You never could think for yourself!!!"

"I wrote a pretty good book. Well, everybody thinks you wrote a pretty good book. I'd say that took a lot of thought. I play the long game, Shay. Don't act like I never told you."

"So you wrote a bunch of shiiit, pretending to be me? And in this thing, you're what. The hero???"

"There's no hero in this story. It's just villains and victims."

"You think you're a victim, bitch?"

"I'm a villain. You're a villain. All the marks were supposed to be villains. That was the plan, and we had a deal, but I made copies of your keys in case you didn't keep your word. And you didn't."

"I never lied to you!"

"Shayna."

"WHAT."

"The night we met, you said, 'One year or one million dollars. Whichever comes first.'"

"I LET YOU GO AFTER A YEAR!!!"

"I wasn't yours to let go, and you had at least two million. We were supposed to split it. You only gave me a hundred grand. It's in the book."

"IT WAS MY IDEA!!! AND... And... and..."

"And?"

"And it's not like you didn't go along with it."

"I don't deny what I've done. I'm not innocent."

"That's RIGHT. You're NOT!"

"But we had a deal. I warned you not to do me dirty. You ripped me off. You made your choice."

"Fuuuck you, Claire."

"My name's not Claire."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"I'm the one who found you. Of course I know your name."

"My real name?"

"Yes, your real name!"

"Say it."

"Amber."

"Giiiiirl."

"That's your name!!!"

"That was my street name."

"Oh. Right."

"Aha."

"You never told me your real name."

"Dandy, you never asked."

"And what's that supposed to be? A flex? To prove you know my real name?"

"I know who you are. And I know what you are. You're a monster. You're a murderer. You're a fucking cancer. It's all in the book. You should read it."

"Go to hell."

"I'm not going anywhere, Hellen. Not yet. There's one more thing. I said I've got a joke."

"I don't wanna hear it."

"It's really good."

"I told you I don't wanna hear it."

"I think you do."

"WHAT."

"A thief and a prostitute walk into a bar."

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"That's not the joke."

"Then what's the goddamn joke?"

"You thought the thief was you. Dandy, you were the whale. A year after you ripped me off, I wiped you out. That's why I was screening my calls while you were in California. I was in Hawaii. Your Bitcoin was gone. And you were too busy spiraling to realize you got got."

"CLAIRE!?!?!"

"I got your bank accounts too, with a little help from Paula at the BMV. She switched the Shayna Dempsey identity over to me, so I got everything. Hell, I sold the house over a year ago."

"WHY?!?!?"

"You can't be serious."

"TELL ME WHY!!!!"

"How do you not know?"

"TELL ME!!!!"

"Bitch, you robbed the mark we agreed was off limits because he was a good guy. At the end of our year, you ripped me off. Then you killed a bunch of people in L.A. and left a voicemail to say I was next? Oh, hell no."

"That was a joke!"

"That sealed your fate. Look, this whole thing was fun for a while, but you took it way too far. The only thing left is pain, and it needs to be over. I'm here to finish it. And, really, you were finished from the start."

"How?!"

"The night we met, you said you're the magic, I'm the trick. It was a shitty thing to say, because it showed you didn't respect me. But guess what? You were right."

"I know I was!"

"Yeah, you were. You're the magic. But I'm the trick that tricked the magic, and you don't even know who I am. That, right there? That's the ultimate magic trick."

"YOU?!?!?!?"

"Dandy, you got Shayed. Smile for the camera."

"I AM SHAY!!!!!!!!!!"

"You're nothing. By this time tomorrow, you'll be nameless, faceless, leftovers of a nothing. Nono's coming. You're getting wrenched. And mowed."

"GODDAMN!!!!!!!!!!"

"In the meantime, you've got a book to read, and I've got a plane to catch, so this is the part where I vanish."

"CLAAAIRE!!!!!!!!!???"

"I'm a ghost!"

"AMBER?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"That's how it's done."