Shhhhh.
Abbie didn't know.
— A Shady Lady
In Russia, a Useful Idiot is somebody who thinks they're fighting the good fight, without knowing they're being led around like a dog on a leash.
In The Bitches Republic of Shay, a Brazen Bimbo is a girl who thinks she owns the show, but she's just a bit part and I wrote the script.
A few months after Abbie started setting up "Block Party" Bitcoiner meetups, she wanted to talk about our arrangement. I flew back to Gary to meet in person. I thought the bitch was going to ask for more money, and quite frankly, I already knew I'd give it to her.
Her events were bringing in more sets of keys than my guys could possibly handle. When Owen and Yaz weren't parking cars for my phony valet scam, they were searching the mark's homes. We were hitting six places a week, and it wasn't enough. I'd have hired more lifters, but three lifters meant I needed six guys from Foke's crew. He already brought on more muscle to give me muscle.
If Abbie wanted more money, I was gonna pretend like it was a big deal, but that bitch could have named her price. She was worth it.
Instead, she asked if she could work for free.
She said, "You told me, our mission is to energize decentralized engagement by facilitating scalable interpersonal ecosystems where empowered individuals can organically cultivate long-term, values-driven communities, right?"
"Yes, Abbie. I said that."
Jesus H Crispy Cream Donuts. I said that? I don't even know what it means!
"Well," she continued, "Two events per month isn't enough. I know you only have enough venture capital funding for two, so... would it be alright if I started doing events on my own? I've got some gals who want to volunteer. And like you said, the whole point is to have this grow organically. You said it would take a year. Well, it's ahead of schedule. That's good, right? I mean, that's really good! Right???"
I was stunned.
"I think that's a wonderful idea, Abbie. Just keep me in the loop so I know where and when events are being held. Especially if any long time Bitcoiners are coming. They deserve to be treated special."
"Oh, I know. They're the key to building a long term community! The long term hodlers are everything!!!"
"Abbie! You are so useful!!!"
Understatement of the year.
"Alrighty!!! Well, I guess it's time to bounce! Boing boing! Gonna hit the gym. Doing laps in the pool keeps the mind, like, totally, y'know?"
Her words hit my ears like thunder.
"My God. That's... that's..."
Again, I was stunned.
"Abbie! Can you hang on a sec? I need to make a quick phone call. Let me see if I can get some funding, for an extra special Block Party. I'll be right back."
"Squeeeeeee!!!!!"
Back when I worked at The Shady Lady Exchange, they had an old cabinet of mailboxes, like you'd see in an apartment building. It was worthless, because the back was falling off, so Lorraine used it to store yarn. OK, dildos, but that's not the point. It held other stuff too, but all of it was dildoeqsue, and again, that's not the point.
Once I was far enough away so Abbie couldn't hear, I called Lorraine at The Shady Lady. She picked up on the third ring.
"Lorraine! Hi! It's Sh... it's Dandy. Do you still have the Dildofile? Yeah? Can I rent it? Awesome! Huh? No, I don't want those. I just need the cabinet. Do you still have all the keys for the locks? Do they work? Yeah? PERFECT. Gotta go!"
I returned to the table, where Abbie was glowing with glee.
"Abbie, you gave me an incredible idea. What if, maybe a couple times a year, we held a... are you ready for this?"
"I AM!!! I AM!!!"
"What if we held a Block Party Pool Party!"
"OH! MY! GOD! I'M OBSESSED!!!!!"
The idea was pure genius.
Before I bailed on the hot tub scheme, I thought about expanding to a second house. I thought about renting a place in the Chicago suburbs. I found an Air BNB where somebody converted a two car garage into an indoor pool. Expensive? Sure, but worth it for this.
My plan was to set up the dildofile so guys would have a place to lock up their important stuff. For example, wallets and keys. Aren't I thoughtful? And I'd have spare keys to the locked lock boxes.
While the guys would be in the pool, I'd be copying their keys and addresses.
"Abbie, Let's try to make sure the pool parties are for the long term Bitcoiners, yeah? And the best girls. If you need help finding girls for this event, I'll help."
"Yeah, I might need help with that for a pool party, if it's at somebody's house in the burbs. Guys'll love it, but girls might think it's a little... sketch."
If you've got a scam, and it don't look good...
Who ya gonna call?
I called call girls.
That's how it's done.
Shhhhh. Abbie didn't know.
Twenty-five marks. High value targets.
Got eighteen of 'em.
Editor's Note:
As if it needs to be said, this is profoundly illegal, unethical, and immoral.