Did she say
what I think she said?
— You, Probably
Abbie was running Block Parties in Chicago and northwest Indiana. I only had to be there a couple times a month to run my phony valet scheme, to get the keys to marks' homes. Beanie was searching homes with Foke's crew. The operation was seamless, so it was time for me to branch out.
I wanted to try New York next, but Foke vetoed that. "Too hot," he said.
My next option was an obvious choice.
The Bitcoin 2022 Conference was held from April 6th to the 9th, at the Miami Beach Convention Center.
I was there.
Foke set me up with a local guy named Smax.
Smax turned out to be the enforcer for a horrifying drug dealer named El Chacal, which is Spanish for The Jackal, though that detail is unimportant.
Señor Smax loaned me his primo goon, a guy named Tripa, pronounced as Treepa, short for Destripador, which means Ripper and/or Disemboweler, though let's look past all of that, because the Disemboweler brought in a small team of Haitian gang bangers known as Los Devoradores de Almas, which means The Devourers Of Souls, who...
...oh sweet baby jebus...
...Look, I know what you're thinking, but...
...Yes, I acknowledge that it sounds pretty bad when viewed from your perspective, but...
JUST STOP.
Full stop.
My plan was rock solid. And, more importantly, it worked.
I set up valet parking near the convention center. Technically, my Haitian bros were parking people's cars at other lots and hopefully keeping track of where they put them.
I got orange muhfuggin' cones. I made signs. "Welcome Hodlers! Valet Parking!" My bros had vests. Somehow, vests make everything look legit. And since it was valet parking, drivers were oh so happy to hand over their keys, unknowingly giving me access to their homes.
You see where this is going, right?
I got a van, so I'd have a mobile workshop to duplicate keys with my HPC Speedex. But I didn't want keys from rentals. A rental car meant rental car keys, which meant the driver was from out of town. I wanted locals.
The first night of the Bitcoin conference was only supposed to be a test run, but I ended up with forty-five sets of keys. That's a lot of keys to copy, but I had time. Anybody attending the conference would be there for hours.
Oh, hell yes it worked.
Ever heard of shooting fish in a barrel? I was harpooning whales in a tank.
Foke's connect would look up license plates, so I'd know where the marks lived. I had to wait a few weeks, but when the info arrived, it was glorious.
The mark of a great mark is somebody who has money, but isn't so rich they have great home security too.
I made a list of marks and put them on different colored sticky notes, depending on where they lived. I made sure there was no pattern for when my lifters were hitting homes in different neighborhoods. Leave no clues. Leave no trace.
Yellow meant west, pink meant south. Green meant money. North of Miami? That's where the money is. Bal Harbour, Sunny Isles, North Beach.
I needed a crew of lifters to search the homes. No problem. I let them find me, same as last time.
I hired three. Alejandro, Riki and Ike.
And thanks to Foke, I had muscle.
My God. It was a thing of beauty.
We were hitting six places a week. And as I took down mark after mark, they never said a word, because they thought they got hacked online.
I'm not gonna say my time in Florida was incident-free. Alejandro got sloppy, so he had to go, but Riki and Ike were eager for work, and the results spoke for themselves.
Overall, my hit rate was down, but the value was way up. In Gary, I was able to find Bitcoin seed words for half of the marks, but maybe one in ten was big. In Miami, only one in three marks had findable seed words, but one in six was worth a quarter million. Or more.
I swear to God I cut through Florida like buddah.
That's butter, not the Buddha. The fuck is wrong with you?
Editor's Note:
I feel the need to remind readers that every component of this scheme constitutes multiple felonies. All of it is profoundly and unquestionably illegal. It is also unambiguously awful. We do not condone any of this.