I... like you.
You... are pretty.
— Nameless
After Larry left, I got talked into giving dating another try.
Lorraine said, "The easiest way to get over a guy is to get under another one."
Yeah, well. No man is above me. But it's not like I had anything else going on, so, what the hell. I let a few of 'em take me to Denny's. A meal is a meal and a free meal is better.
My first post-Larry date was with a guy named Marco.
"I hear you worked at the Boxtan Inn for a while," he said. "That place is rough."
I said, "Sure, yeah, The Box was kinda sketch, but it was entertaining, y'know? One day, a guy tried to rob the joint, so I whapped him in the crotch with a hose and sent him down a flight of stairs before I tied him up and held him at gunpoint. With his gun, not mine. I don't have a gun. God, that was fun. I don't like guns. Gonna eat those fries?"
I was not good at small talk.
My next date was with a guy named Jacob.
He said, "I'm workin' on restoring an old muscle car. It's a beauty. You got a car?"
"Me? No. Not yet, but I borrow 'em when I need 'em, y'know? I like older cars too. Less electronics."
He said, "Oh yeah, I love old cars! I got this old Dodge and ok it's not really a muscle car but it's kinda cool and once I fix it up you know..."
He wasn't good at talking. At all.
And wow. He was still going.
"...it's gonna be so cool like you see in the movies but in the old ones..."
So much wow.
"...not the new ones cuz they're all CGI and that's so fake but..."
"Check, please?"
My next date was with a guy named...
Y'know what? I don't remember his name, and I don't care. Why do guys even have names? Most of 'em are the same, so does it really make a difference which one you're talking to? Honestly?
No.
This guy spent the evening staring at me.
"I... like you. You... are pretty."
He. Was. Not. Good. At. Anything.
"Check?"
Then there was The B. That's what I call him, for obvious reasons. He took me to a coffee shop for espresso and cream cheese bagels. Espresso is stupid. There's less in the cup, but it costs more? Come on.
The B was well spoken and he seemed to be well dressed, until we reached our table. When he took off his jacket and turned to hang it on the back of his chair, my jaw dropped.
He was wearing a black T-shirt that said "Have Fun Staying Poor," written over a giant B logo. I did not approve of the message.
"Oh, fuck you, man. Fuck you. You have no idea what it means to be poor."
He called me a bitch as I walked out. With our bagels. They were good.
Next, there was Eric.
For an ice-breaker, I said, "I swear to God, as long as you don't start talking about Dungeons & Dragons, or some shit like that, this will be the best date I've ever had!"
His eyes started to well up.
And then came a tear.
"Oh, fuck. I didn't think you actually were gonna talk about..."
And then came the waterworks, as he screamed, "IT'S AN INCREDIBLE GAME! YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
So, that went well.
"Check!!!???"
But no mate.
And dating?
I was not good at this. It was only going to get worse.