I like... you.
You are... pretty.
— Nameless
After Larry left, I decided to try dating again, mostly to kill the monotony of everyday life. It's what people do, right?
Lorraine said, "The easiest way to get over a guy is to get under another one."
Yeah, well. No man is above me. But it's not like I had anything else going on, so, what the hell. I let a few of 'em take me to Denny's to see if we'd click.
My first post-Larry date was with a guy named Marco.
He said, "I hear you worked at The Boxtan Inn for a while. That place is rough."
I oh so femininely replied, "I mean yeah sure yeah The Box is kinda sketch, but I dunno. One day, a guy tried to rob the joint, so I whooped him in the crotch with a hose before I tied him up with it and held him at gunpoint. With his gun, not mine. I don't have a gun. God, that was fun. I don't like guns though. Gonna eat those fries?"
I was never good at small talk.
My next date was with a guy named Jacob.
He said, "I'm workin' on restoring an old muscle car. It's a beauty. You got a car?"
"Not yet, but I borrow 'em when I need 'em, y'know? I like older cars too. Less electronics."
"Oh yeah old cars are the best I love old cars got me an old Dodge and I know it's not really a muscle car but it's kinda cool and once I fix it up you know..."
He wasn't good at talking, period.
And wow. He was still going.
"...gonna be so cool like you see in the movies but in the old ones..."
So much wow.
"...not the new ones cuz they're all CGI and that's so fake but..."
"Check, please?"
My next date was with a guy named...
Y'know what? I don't remember his name, and I don't care. Why do guys even have names? Most of 'em are the same, so does it really make a difference which one you're talking to? Honestly?
No.
This guy spent the evening just staring at me.
"I like... you. You are... pretty."
He. Was. Not. Good. At. Anything.
"Check?"
Then there was The B.
He's a guy that took me to a coffee shop for espresso and cream cheese bagels. Espresso is stupid. There's less in the cup, but it costs more?
The B was well spoken and he seemed to be well dressed, until we reached our table. When he took off his jacket and turned to hang it on the back of his chair, my jaw dropped.
He was wearing a black T-shirt with a giant B logo, and the shirt said Have Fun Staying Poor. I did not approve of that message.
"Oh, fuck you, man. Fuck you. You have no idea what it means to be poor."
He called me a bitch as I walked out. With our bagels. They were good.
Next, there was Eric.
For an ice-breaker, I said, "I swear to God, as long as you don't start talking about something like Dungeons & Dragons, this will be the best date I've ever had!"
His eyes started to well up.
And then came a tear.
"Oh, fuck. I didn't think you actually were gonna talk about..."
And then came the waterworks.
And then, he screamed, "IT'S AN INCREDIBLE GAME! YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
So, that went well.
"Check!!!???"
But no mate.
And dating?
I was not good at this.
I didn't know it yet, but the next few names were gonna be pretty easy to remember.