Make no mistake.
That bunny is owned.
— The Magician
In summer, 2018, I left Wanatah on a train, bound for Gary.
And when I say, on a train, I mean it. I was riding hobo-style, on a flatbed, making my way across northwest Indiana.
Small town life felt like living in a cage. I was looking for freedom.
On the train that day, I met a guy named Lester. He said he was a poet.
He said, "The future is a promise. The past is just a lie. In the middle is the truth of everything that we deny."
So, what's the truth?
The past is even more of a lie than I thought.
The present is no gift.
And the promise of the future? Lester said, "Fuck if I know what yours is."
Fuck if I know either, but this wasn't supposed to be it.
Lester was a drifter. I didn't know it yet, but I was a drifter too.
As I roamed, I robbed at least two hundred men. I'm responsible for the deaths of fourteen that I know of. Surely more.
I ordered a hit on Steve, so I could rob him without consequences. Boogie and Otto were collateral damage, along with the mark who died because of Boogie, because of me. I set up Jojo to be killed because I needed a diversion. I lit the fire that killed four men, and I triumphantly watched it burn. I poisoned Doug for vengeance, but not until I was done torturing him for my own pleasure and pride. I took out four police officers in the process.
Being a bitch made me think I was invincible.
Being a drunk made me think I was profound.
When I left Wanatah, I was looking for freedom.
I knew that freedom isn't free.
I forgot, the price isn't money.
I guess there were a lot of things I forgot along the way.
Here's something else I forgot. Something important.
Y'know the trick where a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat? The hat has a false bottom. That's how it's done.
Nobody asks where the rabbit is from, and they don't ask where it went when the magician moves on to the next trick. The show goes on and the rabbit goes away. Where does the rabbit go? Nobody cares because the rabbit isn't theirs. It's somebody's though. That cute ball of fur is just part of the show, but make no mistake, that bunny is owned.
To disappear completely, don't be the magician. Be the rabbit.
I said that.
I believed that.
Yet somehow, I still thought I was the magician.
I was the goddamn rabbit.
And just like the rabbit when the magic trick is over, I'm gone.
I knew that.
I thought I wanted that.
But I forgot... the rabbit ends up in a cage.