We live in a world that has doors.
— Not Lieutenant Weinberg
It was four in the afternoon when Claire found me slouched over the dining room table, eating a bowl of cereal.
"You're finally up," she said.
"Sort of. I had a long night. And then some."
"Good lord, Shay. Is that what I think it is?"
"Maybe? We've been texting fake grocery lists, but we forgot to make a real one. We're out of milk."
"So you're having Fruit Loops with...?"
"Vanilla vodka."
"Girl, that's nasty."
"Trust me. I need this. What's up?"
"I have news."
"If it's bad, can it wait?"
"It's good. Maybe great. I might I have a line on a whale."
"Wait. What?"
"I was on a date with a mark last night. It was a total bust. But I ended up flirting with a guy who paid for drinks with a crypto credit card. I guess that's a new thing."
"Good catch!"
"It gets better. He owns an art gallery in Hyde Park, and I'm pretty sure it's a scam. I'm gonna pretend to casually drop by so he can ask me out. Wanna come?"
"No way. I never meet the mark."
"Not to the art gallery. I mean, you should come with me, to Chicago. I know you love the city, and Hyde Park is nice. We'll make a day of it."
She knew me too well.
It was already late in the day, so we headed out the next afternoon to strike while the iron was hot. I grabbed a snack and wandered Hyde Park while she flirted with the mark. Then we went to 57th Street Beach so she could lie on a blanket and run her fingers and toes in the sand. Give me the concrete jungle any day, but that girl craves Earth.
I have to admit, it felt nice to sit in late summer sun.
"So, Claire... how'd it go, with the mark?"
"His name's Mark."
"The mark is a Mark?"
"Mark is a mark."
"I guess that had to happen, eventually."
"He's a mega mark. I'm pretty sure Mark the mark has a funky bunch of Bitcoin."
"Awesome! We should celebrate! Before we head home, let's go for drinks. Someplace nice."
"Shay, If you're drinking, I'm not. One of us needs to be sober for the drive."
"More for me then. I saw a place with tables outside. I got an idea I want to run by you."
"Oh?"
"It's just a little something I've been thinking about."
I took her to a cafe with a patio that had too many tables in too little space, but it was still perfect. I was going to order a whiskey, but Claire said I needed to live a little, so I ordered a Chicago Fizz, and then another, as a cool breeze hinted that autumn would be here soon.
She saw me smile, and said, "What's up?"
"Over there," I said. "When you see it, say it."
"Say what?"
"You'll know when you see it."
I watched her as I sipped my drink. She was looking at the hotel, across the street. It was a fancy place with stupid trendy name where people overpay for tiny rooms. The hotel didn't have a parking lot, but it had a curbside valet, right in front of the main entrance. I smiled again, as somebody handed their keys to the valet. Claire saw it too.
"Oh my God, Shay."
"Ah ha! You saw it!"
"Girl, that's evil."
"Come on, Claire. All of what we're doing is... y'know..."
"...Evil."
"I mean, it ain't Mother Teresa shit."
"You can't even say the word, can you?"
"What word?"
"Evil."
"Is that what you want me to say?"
"I want the truth, Shay. Can you say it?"
"You want the TRUTH? You. Can't. Handle. The Truth. Claire, we live in a world that has doors, and those doors have locks. Who's gonna give us the keys? Who's gonna do it? Them? Them, Lieutenant Weinberg?"
"What the fuck?"
"It's from A Few Good Men."
"Oh, lord."
"We have a greater responsibility than they can possibly fathom! We make them weep for their lost Bitcoin, but as you know, they'd just spend the profits on hookers and blow."
"Hey now."
"Or they'd lose it, Claire! They'd lose the Bitcoin, because, as we also know, the way they secure their seed words is shit. It's shit! My God, they hand us their keys to their homes! So we must teach them!!!"
"We must?"
"We must! You and I have a duty to teach people the dangers of Social Engineering. That's the term for our shtick. You get into their lives so I can get into their homes. And this lesson, while grotesque and incomprehensible to some, saves lives!"
"It saves lives?"
"It saves something! It saves others from having to learn the hard way, because others see what happened and they learn the lesson! And thus..."
"There's more?"
"And thus, I lost my train of thought."
"Yeah you did."
"But I've got it back!!!"
"Giiirl."
"And THUS, Claire, by stealing a mark's Bitcoin, we're teaching others! And we do this not only for ourselves, though especially for ourselves, but also for the other things, because I had something else to say, but again, my train of thought got lost."
"Trains are on rails, Shay. They can't get lost."
"But I don't care! And I don't give a damn what they think they are entitled to, not the trains, but the men, and that's also from the speech in A Few Good Men. But these are not good men, Claire! And so, I say fuck 'em! Fuck 'em all! Each and every one of 'em! Let THEM be the ones to experience a code red! Maxi-Pads for every fucking one of 'em!!!"
"It's time to bring this train into the station, Shay."
"I DID THE JOB THAT..."
"Shay?"
"Yeah?"
"I think you scared everybody at the next table."
"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!"
"Oof."
"Sorry."
"Finished?"
"Yep."
"Feel better?"
"I really do."
"Whoooooooooo..."
"But it is brilliant, Claire, isn't it? My idea?"
"God, it is."
"And, yeah. It's the other thing, too."
"Evil?"
"That."
Editor's Note:
Our sincerest apologies to Aaron Sorkin, author of A Few Good Men. Unfortunately, this conversation happened.