Well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in.
-- Joelle
I woke up startled the next morning. I was staring at a ceiling, with no idea where I was or even who I was. I mean, yeah, I knew I was me. But where was I and which me was I? Which name? Phoebe? Shay? Hellen? To Hell with that.
It all came back to me with a rush of regret as I looked around the room.
"Oh God. Oh no."
Oh yes.
"I'm Dandy again."
And worse.
"I'm in Tonawka."
And in Linda's bed.
I got up to use the bathroom, but as soon as I reached the hallway, I spotted something that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did.
At the far end of the hall, along the side of the den, I saw a large bookshelf. I'd seen it before. Many times. It wasn't filled with books. No. This monstrosity held row after row of little decorative plates, just as it had many years ago, when I started breaking in to steal them.
Linda was gone, but the plates lived on.
I looked through the kitchen cabinets to see if there was a spare Singapore or Oslo, and sure enough, there was. I swapped it with the Chicago plate she'd bought to replace the one I stole, and broke. Of course she'd replaced it, and of course I was finally stealing the new one.
Fuck it. Mine. For old time's sake.
Of course, the new one was six years old. I stole the last one back when I was fifteen.
As I picked up the Chicago plate, I noticed the stand didn't match the others. In fact, none of the plate-stands matched. They were made of wood, but they looked like they were handmade. Some of the stands were lighter, some were darker. Some were smooth and others weren't, and each had notes engraved on the back of the thick piece that holds that plate up. Most of the engraving was dates, but some had notes and initials too.
Tokyo, with EK, April 2013.
Singapore, with AJ, May 2001.
Had she been to these places? The bookshelf had seven shelves, and each shelf held seven plates except for the bottom shelf, which had five and a wooden box. That's forty-seven trips! And a few of them were while I was sneaking into her house and thinking she was lonely!
Edinburgh, with CM, July 2015.
Paris, with GL, oohlala, October 2015.
"Hang on. Is this thing really about the wood? And the people she was with? Are the plates just fancy labels for her homemade stands?"
I checked the box. Inside it, there was a small knife, a bottle of wood glue, some sandpaper, and various trinkets from her travels. Bottle caps, matchbooks, folded up maps, stuff like that. And there was a sticker for a shop on Etsy where she was buying the plates. I looked it up on my phone and my heart sank when I realized the plates weren't the point.
No wonder Linda's house was so sparse! She was never home!
There was a chunk of wood in the box too. Part of a tree branch, maybe a foot long. I couldn't help staring at it, wondering where it was from.
The place came alive for a moment as I imagined Linda returning again and again from trips around the world, but it felt even emptier when I remembered I was the reason she wasn't coming back.
Sigh.
I couldn't stand the sight of the bookshelf any longer, so I went to the kitchen in hopes of finding anything edible. No luck.
The fridge was as empty as my fucking soul, but there were menus for Tona Pizza and The Buckle on the counter, and the bathroom was stocked with new toiletries. There was a clean towel, folded on the hamper, a soap dispenser by the sink, and a bottle of shampoo in the shower. There was even a new toothbrush, still in the box, and a little hotel-sized tube of toothpaste. This "Georgie" person must have domesticated Billy. He looked the same, but clearly, he was not. He was a better man. Can men become that?
I tried to imagine the Billy I'd seen banging a waitress in his office raising a kid, and I couldn't do it. Then again, I couldn't imagine that version of Billy laying out fresh towels and toiletries for guests at a grandma house, but here I was, with those items laid out before me.
Oh. My. God.
I took a shower and then wandered aimlessly through town while I waited for The Brass Buckle to open.
Everything looked exactly as I remembered, yet somehow different. In the morning light, the town looked almost... cute? Homey? Even lovely? Maybe. Except for the parts that were falling apart, but being somewhat dilapidated myself, I was in no position to judge.
As soon as the Buckle opened, I headed in to drop off Linda's keys.
"Is Joe here?"
A girl's voice boomed out from behind the bar.
"Well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. Hello, Dandy."
"Do I know you?"
"Jesus, girl."
"What?"
"We went to school together for twelve years. Thirteen, including kindergarten. How do you not recognize me? I sat two rows behind you."
"Joelle Effin?"
"EFFARD."
"Right! Sorry. You look so different!"
"And you look the same. Billy left a note saying you'd be dropping off Linda's keys. There's no food at the house, so I'm guessing you need breakfast too. The menu's changed a bit since you worked here. We got a new cook. But I can get you something else if you want. I had an omelet a few minutes ago."
"A BLT would be great. And coffee. Blacker than black."
"Got it."
Joelle Effin. EFFARD. Gah. She's probably the only girl from school I didn't try to crash with. People said we were alike, but I never saw it. Physically? Maybe. We're both short, but she's kinda dumpy and she lacked an inner darkness or depth. Everybody liked her, mostly because there was nothing about her to dislike. I called her Effin' because she was easy. I was a challenge.
Not like that!!!
Although I may have implied that.
"So, what the fuck are you doing here, Dandy?"
"Wow, Jo."
"Hey, last I saw you, you were heading out of town in a blaze of glory or something."
"No glory. Just a blaze."
"What brought you back?"
"I'm not back."
Jo reached across the bar and slapped me.
"Owww. The fuck!? What was that for?"
"That's for lying."
"I'm not lying!"
"You're sitting right in front of me. You're back. Why?"
"Do I need a reason?"
She said, "Be that way," as she turned to walk away.
"Okay, Fine, Jo. I don't know. Let's just say I had a bad day, yesterday. I went for a drive. And before I knew it, I was here."
"Come on."
"What?"
"That's a lie."
"No, it's not!"
"Dandy, you're either lying to me or you're lying to yourself. When you left, you told anybody who'd listen you were never coming back. Now you're here, and you're sitting at the bar even though every table's open. You're looking for something, or you're running from something. It's one or the other, and you wanna talk. Well, I got maybe twenty minutes before people start showing up for lunch, so... get to it."
I hate bartenders. Always have. Always will. They know too much.
"Okay, so, Jo... Do you think we look the same?"
"You wiggin' out?"
"Huh?"
"Are you losing your shit, Dandy?"
"Just answer the damn question."
"I suppose we kinda look alike. Not that it matters."
"Remember Mrs. Schrader, from school? One day, she came up behind me, thinking I was you. When I turned around, she looked disappointed."
"Are you talking about third grade?"
"Yeah."
"Same thing happened to me once."
"The disappointed look, too?"
"Well... no."
"Aha."
"What the fuck are you looking for, Dandy?"
"I'm looking for my goddamn sandwich."
"Be that way. HEY, IS THAT BLT UP?"
A slender man came through the door behind the far side of the bar. He had a white towel draped over his arm, and a plate with my sandwich. I recognized him immediately, even though I'd only met him once, years ago.
"Here ya' go," the man said. "Hey, I know you. Graham Crackers, right? On a CSX?"
"It was Fig Newtons, on a Norfolk Southern. How've you been? Jo, me and Finn met on a train to Gary, back in 2017. Hey, you still catching out?"
The lines on his face said the years had been hard, but the sparkle in his eyes showed that things were better now.
"Naw. I took a break a while back."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I had a few bucks in my pocket and it was rainin' somethin' awful, so I came in here for a sandwich. It wasn't bad, but I told Billy I could do better. He gave me an apron an' said, 'Prove it.' Gave me a job. That was, oh, around two years back. Billy's a good man, and what you got there is a good sandwich, I tell you what."
I took a bite, mostly to humor him, but he wasn't kidding. It was better than a BLT from a bar had any right to be.
"What the fuck? This is delicious."
"Crisp up the bacon almos' too much, but not. Put a lil' miso in the mayo, an' put in a lil' effort."
"Wow."
"Hey, it's real good seein' ya. I gotta get back to it in the kitchen, though. I got a brisket goin'."
"Hang on. When we met, you said 'Where is for folks who got someplace to be,' so what are you doing here?"
"Guess I got a place to be now. Folks treatin' me like family here, and feedin' everybody feels good. Feels like home, y'know? Feed the body, feed the soul. Tha's what a home is. What could be better? I am truly blessed. You take care now."
I took another bite of the sandwich and was stunned. Is there such a thing as gourmet bar food?
"Jo. The Buckle serves brisket now?"
"Since Finn started here, yeah. He's really something."
"How long have you been working here?"
"On and off for a few years. Summers and holidays, mostly. I'm putting myself through college, so tip well, girl."
"Right."
After lunch, I wandered through town one last time before heading back to the house in Hammond. Everything in Tonawka seemed better than I remembered.
But I felt worse.