Something wicked this way comes.
— The Wicked Bitch Of The Heist
We left the Lakeside Saloon so I could take her to a hipster bar in a nicer part of town. Where the haves go. Even in a town like Gary, there's haves and have-nots. I wanted her to see how the other half lives.
"We need to sit down," I said, "because the room is starting to spin a little."
"We are sitting."
"Then we really need to sit down. Is it possible to sit further down? Let's slouch. Whoa."
Going from one bar to another was a mistake. I thought if she was surrounded by rich people it'd be easier to convince her she could be one of them. But we left a dark bar for an even darker bar, which defeated the purpose. Everyone disappeared in the shadows. I forgot that's why I liked the place even though I hate hipsters.
Didn't matter.
I had to give up on my pitch for a while so I could pretend to be having fun. I've never been good at the Friends thing, but I needed this to work. I needed her to feel like we were making a connection.
I'd already tried with too many partners. I failed for the same reasons. They didn't understand why it had to be the right marks and had to be done the right way. And they didn't need it like I did. For me, it wasn't about the money. It was about the get.
Guys like The B needed to get got, and I needed to be the one to get 'em. I knew how to do it, but I couldn't do it alone.
My plan was perfect, but it was a plan for two.
I knew this girl could be the one, because she wasn't stupid, and she needed it too, for different reasons.
I said, "I'm serious about before. Everything I was telling you? I've got a plan."
It's easier to convince somebody if you say, "I've got a plan." It's easier to convince yourself if you actually do.
I showed her the pictures again.
"Look at these guys. Every one of 'em has something that's worth a lot of money. I know how to get it without them knowing who got it. They won't even know how it was got. I've got skills. I've got a plan. I need a partner."
"What are you stealing?"
"A piece of paper."
"What's on it?"
"Words."
"Obviously. Come on. What is this, a blackmail thing?"
I had her on the line. I could feel it.
Time to reel her in.
"Take another swig, and hit it hard, because we're about to get... technical."
As she took an almost unreasonable gulp of her drink, I took a deep breath.
This was the moment I'd been dreading. I just needed her to understand the money involved. The value. And how easy it would be to get, if we did it my way.
I said, "Are you familiar with Bitcoin?"
"Oh shit. I knew you were wasting my time. Hey, thanks for the hooch. This was fun, but..."
"Listen. Bitcoin is easy to steal, it's easy to sell, and it's worth a lot of money. Each of these guys has a piece of paper with 12 or 24 words on it. I can explain it all if you want, but the thing to understand is this: Their words give me their Bitcoin. Watch. I'll show you."
I held up a Polaroid picture of a post-it note with 24 words on it, written in two columns:
|
|
collect brush tuition rough toss record salute cry pioneer strong match wet |
later gravity bracket grunt twin cradle sure shock sponsor universe wisdom happy |
I held up another picture.
"Those words belong to this guy. He lives in the burbs. When I put his words in my Bitcoin app, I get his Bitcoin."
I showed her my phone.
"Wanna rob him?"
"Tonight?"
"Right here. Right now."
I tapped on my phone and then held it up again, to show her my Bitcoin wallet.
She said, "There's nothing there. It says zero."
"I just sent his Bitcoin to myself. In a minute, we'll see it show up in my wallet, which means it's mine. Meanwhile, he's in... Orland Park, I think? I got him a year ago. I've been sitting on this one for a while. He'll wake up tomorrow and have no idea what happened. Oh, and here it is."
I showed her my phone again. "That's his Bitcoin, in my wallet. It's mine now. Easy peasy."
"Hold up. You just stole hundred grand?"
I looked at my phone, and showed it to her again. $107,015.
"A hundred grand and change," I said. "Pretty sweet."
"How. How?!? How the fuck did you do that?"
"Like I said, his words give me his Bitcoin. I found them written on a sticky note. Dumbass stuck it to the bottom of his keyboard, like nobody's gonna look under there. Come on, bro. I gahchoo."
"I don't understand that crypto shit. You're saying, some random words on a sticky note are worth a hundred grand?"
"And change."
"That's insane."
"The words represent numbers. I put his words into a wallet app. The app uses the numbers to rebuild his wallet. For Bitcoin, the words are the most important thing. People are supposed to keep that shit safe. Most guys don't."
"Why the fuck not?"
"Guys only think about online hackers. They never imagine some clever bitch is gonna walk straight into their home, find their words, take a picture and leave. I'm in. I find. I'm out. I'm a ghost!"
"Why would anybody buy this shit if it's so easy to steal?"
"That's the thing. Bitcoin is impossible to steal if you set it up right. But these guys? They think they're smarter than they are. They think their Bitcoin is safe because their phone is locked. But it's not about the phone or the app. It's about the words. If you find their words, you don't need their phone."
"Then why would anyone keep the words on a piece of paper?"
"They keep a copy of their words on paper, where hackers can't reach 'em. That's why I can steal their Bitcoin, even though hackers can't. I go into their homes. I find their words. I got their coins. I don't even steal the piece of paper. I just snap a picture and leave. Now you see why I use a Polaroid? Old school. Leave no trace."
"Wow. That's so fucked up. I don't even know what to say."
"Say you're in, and you get half."
"Whoa. I don't even know your name."
"I'm Shayna. And you are?"
"Skeptical."
I could tell she was in.
"So, Shaaayna," she said, knowing damn well that's not my real name. "You need me to fuck some guys..."
"You don't have to fuck anyone. That's the best part."
"Then, what?"
"I've got a house with a hot tub. I'm offering you a place to live. The kitchen will be stocked, 'cause I live there too. And we're gonna live well. I'll cover all the expenses."
"And what do I do?"
"You and me will go trolling for marks. I'll spot the guy. You'll flirt with him. Get him to ask you on a date. He needs to think it was his idea. You'll invite him back to the house for fun in the hot tub. While the two of you are in the hot tub, I'll snatch his keys and driver's license. I'll make a copy and put 'em back. He'll have no way of knowing some chick he never met has his address and the keys to his place."
"He'll figure it out when he goes home and he's been robbed."
"I don't steal anything. I just find the paper with his seed words and take a picture. I wait a few months before stealing his Bitcoin, that way he won't connect losing his coins to the night he had a date with you. He'll think he got hacked online."
"That's..."
"Really good, right?"
She said, "It's wicked, bitch," and she smiled, though she tried to hide it.
I smiled too. "With the tapping of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."
"What the...?"
"It's Shakespeare. I botched it."
I fucking NAILED it.
She smiled again, and that's when I knew. Hey girl, I gahchoo!
I said, "I find the marks. You get 'em in the hot tub. I'll do the rest. If we can get two or three guys a week, we'll be filthy rich by this time next year."
"Why me? Because you need a bad girl?"
"I'm bad enough for two. I need a good one."
"Seriously, cut the shit. Why me?"
"I need you because you need this."
"How do you know what I need?"
"I know because I've been you. OK, maybe not the same, but close enough. You're trapped, and I know the way out. I know because I've been there. I won't let you down."
"And if we screw up? Does some rich fuck come after us?"
"No. Here's why my plan is perfect. I never meet the guy. You never go to the guy's home. I never steal anything at his place. I find his words, take a picture and go. I'm a ghost. He'll never know it happened. And months later, when I steal his Bitcoin, he'll think he got hacked online."
"Wow. That's..."
"That's how it's done."
"And you're gonna pay me."
"I'm gonna pay you well. After expenses, you get half. One year or one million dollars, whichever comes first."
"Expenses? Like what?"
"Like, for starters, I just bought a house and a hot tub. You're gonna need fancy clothes. And we're gonna live large. You in? I wanna get started tomorrow."
"Jesus. You always go so fast?"
"What, are you scared?
"I didn't say that."
"You don't look like you're easily scared," I lied.
"I'm not."
She lied too. Good. Two liars are better than one.
Editor's Note:
The Bitcoin word list consists of 2048 words.
The words represent numbers.
The numbers are entropy for the math that generates a Bitcoin wallet.
This is real.