Live Free Or Die
— New Hampshire Motto
"Hey, Claire! Surprised to see you! You never visited me in here before."
"Hh... ah, oops. Hang on Shay. Okay, that's better. I hate this plexiglass prison-phone butterscotch. Friggin' twisted cord. I got it now. So, hey! Hi!"
"Yeah, hi!!! Good to see you!"
"It's good to see you too, Shay. It's time."
"Oh, I know all about time. I been doing two fuckin' years on a gun charge."
"It would've been a lot longer if they didn't let you plead down."
"The gun was self defense."
"Shay. We've talked about this."
"It was his!"
"If he came out of that coma, you'd be doing hard time, girl. Like, decades."
"HE drugged the cops, Claire. Not me. He made them coffee. I hear there was somethin' in it."
"Shay."
"Who the fuck makes coffee after being held at gunpoint? I couldn'ta planned that."
"Giiiiiiiiiirl."
"Woulda if I coulda, but I didn't. Four cops down. His fault. He's dead too, but I got two years on a gun charge because it was premeditated? I shoulda got a fucking medal."
"Oof."
"Yeah, well. It's almost over. I'm gettin' out tomorrow."
"That's why I'm here. Time for a new chapter, y'know?"
"Hell yeah. I never told you this, Claire, but I'm so glad you started takin' my calls. Talkin' with you kept me sane while I was in here."
"You told me. But those Sunday calls were good for me, too."
"You missed me, didn'cha? I'm thinkin' about gettin' things goin' again once I'm out. You should join me. It'll be like old times."
"I'm ready to go."
"Yeah?"
"And you're almost gone."
"Aww yeah!!!"
"I still have the New Hampshire quarter you gave me. Live Free Or Die."
"Live free or die, Claire. Fuck yeah. Glad I'm gettin' out tomorrow. Live free!"
"Or the other thing."
"What?"
"We'll get to it."
"Can't wait!"
"I can't either."
"Yeah?"
"Oh yeah. Do you remember when we were just getting started, Shay?"
"You feelin' nostalgic?"
"Kinda. Remember when you told me to get used to my name? And figure out who she is? You said to find Clarity. Well, it took a while, but I sure did. She's a writer."
"Okay, well, good, right?"
"Right. That's why I'm here. I come bearing presents!"
"Yeah?"
"You bet! I've got two presents and a joke. The joke's really good. It's not a Haha joke though. It's more like a Whoahoa, but it's REALLY good. I'll show you the presents first. The guards'll give 'em to you, right?"
"After they check 'em, yeah. But you didn't have to get me anything, Claire."
"Oh, but I did. Really, I did. I got ya... Maxi-Pads."
"You got me Maxi-Pads?"
"And a book."
"A book? I mean, thanks, but you're the reader. Not me."
"You'll read this one, Shay."
"Yeah?"
"Oh yeah. It's a novel. It opens with a quote about destiny, from Ralph Waldo Emerson. 'The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.'"
"I think I said that."
"You did. But he said it first. And better."
"Whatever."
"The title of the novel is Five Dollar Wrench. I got three copies and I'm giving one to you."
"Five Dollar Wrench? Holy shit. Remember what that used to mean? Hahaha!"
"That's what it still means."
"What do you mean?"
"That's what the story's about. Thievin'. Wrenchin'. Droppin'. And worse. And the best part is, you're in it."
"I'm in it?"
"You wrote it."
"The fuck does that mean?"
"The novel is published under a pen name. An alias. I know you know it."
"What's the name?"
"H. E. Tobe."
"Who the hell is H. E. Tobe? Wait. TOBE?"
"Hellen Eleanor Tobe. I got it off your old fake ID."
"You didn't! What the hell?"
"It's the story of a thief who recruits a prostitute to help her pull off the ultimate magic trick. And the story is told by the thief."
"You wrote a book?"
"Everybody thinks you wrote a book."
"What the fuck. That was reckless, using my alias. Good thing Foke doesn't know I was Hellen."
"All of your aliases are in the book. Hellen Tobe, Phoebe Delgado, Shayna Dempsey... Hose."
"HOSE?"
"Nono knows Hose got his brother Jojo killed."
"YOU FUCKIN' TOLD HIM???"
"He thinks you told everyone, when you wrote the story. I gave him the book with sticky notes to mark a few things, like the part about his brother."
"You gave Nono...? If you wrote... If he thinks I wrote..."
"Foke's dead. Beanie's dead. Deader than dead. Foke's last words were 'No, NO!' I bet Beanie's were too."
"Beanie???"
"She was the new you, and Nono's cleaning house. He's furious. Blood's flowin' from meat mowin'."
"Oh, Beanie. Wait. So, how are you... not..."
"Dead? Deader than dead? How am I not so very dead, as in, 'No, NO!' then thud, splatter, smoosh, and a deep stain in a hardwood floor that'll need a bigass rug to cover up, kinda like the one in your house? Is that what you're asking?"
"...Claire?"
"I gave Nono the book. I said he deserved to know the truth about how his brother died. And he thanked me. Actually, he said, 'STAY.' And then he left. Then I heard some truly gruesome things coming from another room at the Boxtan Inn, before he returned and said, 'GOOD.' Also, I may have told him my name was Sofia. And, hey, your prison sentence ends tomorrow. It's over. Guess what happens."
"...Claire???"
"No, no. Guess again."
"CLAIRE!!!!!!???"
"How long do you think Steve was out of the hospital, before he got Steved? I know you remember what happened to him."
"How? How? HOW??? How could you know about Steve???"
"Shay, he was the previous owner of the house and that info is public. Why do you think I took your calls while you were in here? I needed details for the book. And for anything you didn't tell me, there were pictures, keys, and notes, locked in your file cabinet."
"Bitch, you told me to keep that stuff!!!"
"Yes, I did."
"And you fuckin' broke into it???"
"Break in? No way. Cliché. I did it like you, with the Shayna Switcheroo. Remember when I borrowed your car for a pizza run? You handed me the keys to everything. I made copies. That's how it's done."
"The Shayna Switcheroo. Fuck you Claire! You never could think for yourself!!!"
"I wrote a pretty good book. Well, everybody thinks you wrote a pretty good book. I'd say that took a lot of thought. I play the long game. Don't act like I never told you."
"So you wrote a bunch of shiiit, pretending to be me? And in this thing, you're what. The hero???"
"There's no hero in this story. It's just villains and victims."
"Fuck you!!!"
"All I ever asked you to do was keep your word, but I copied your keys just in case you didn't. And you didn't."
"I never lied to you!"
"Shayna. Remember the night we met? You said one year or one million dollars, whichever comes first."
"I LET YOU GO AFTER A YEAR!!!"
"I wasn't yours to 'let' go, and you had millions. You gave me a hundred grand. It's in the book."
"IT WAS MY IDEA!!! AND, And, and... and it's not like you didn't go along with it."
"I know what I did. I'm not innocent."
"That's right! You're NOT."
"But you didn't keep your word."
"Fuuuck you, Claire."
"My name's not Claire."
"I know that."
"Right, but, do you realize you never asked what my real name is?"
"It's Amber."
"Giiiiirl."
"That's your name!"
"That was my street name."
"Would you have told me your real name?"
"Dandy, you never asked."
"Oh, and what's that supposed to be. A flex? Provin' you know my real name?"
"I know who you are. And I know what you are. You're a monster. It's in the book. You should read it."
"Go to hell."
"I'm not going anywhere, Hellen. Not yet. There's still one more thing. I said I've got a joke. It's really good. Y'ready?"
"I don't wanna hear it."
"I think you do."
"WHAT."
"A thief and a prostitute walk into a bar."
"That's supposed to be funny?"
"That's not the joke."
"Then what's the fuckin' JOKE?"
"You thought the thief was you. Dandelion, I've had your seeds since the early days. I got all the Bitcoin. And thanks to Paula, I got Shayna Dempsey's identity too. That means I got the bank accounts. I got everything. Hell, I sold the house over a year ago."
"WHY?!?!??"
"Girl, you killed a bunch of people in L.A. and left me a voicemail to say I was next. Fuck that. I was long gone by the time you got back from California. Look, this was gonna end bad for one of us, but it was over for you from the start. Remember the night we met? You said you're the magic, I'm the trick. It was a shitty thing to say, but you were right. I'm the trick that tricked the magic, and you don't even know who I am. That, right there? That's the ultimate magic trick."
"YOU?!?!?!?!?"
"Dandy, you got Shayed."
"I AM SHAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!"
"And I'm a ghost."
"CLAAAAAIIIRRRRREEE!!!!!!!???????"
...Click.
That's how it's done.